


The Feel of Your Heartbeat

by kitkat_hryn



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Car Accidents, Confused Kageyama Tobio, Confusion, Deaf, Deaf Character, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt Hinata Shouyou, Hurt/Comfort, Idiots in Love, Injury, M/M, Minor Violence, Pining, Serious Injuries, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Volleyball Dorks in Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-25
Updated: 2020-05-05
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:47:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 24,651
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23831860
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kitkat_hryn/pseuds/kitkat_hryn
Summary: Once again, Hinata finds himself late to the team's Tokyo training camp. He blames his failed test on Kageyama, and as Tanaka's sister is rushing to get him there on time, he gets caught in a car accident that leaves him without hearing. Deaf AU in which Kageyama is an oblivious romantic and Hinata is struggling to survive emerging feelings and a silent world.This will be updated daily
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou & Kageyama Tobio, Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio
Comments: 36
Kudos: 545
Collections: Haikyuu best fics vluv99





	1. The Accident

It wasn’t his fault that he was running late. It was all Kageyama’s. For once, his partner was the one who wanted to stay late to practice setting, and in no time at all, it was well past midnight when they began packing up. Because of Kageyama, and because he was so tired out, the bike ride home took exceptionally long. Hinata had even checked his phone as he walked through the door and, with horror, saw that it was around 2 in the morning. There was a test in just a few hours, and afterward, he would come to blame the reason he failed it on none other than Bakeyama himself. Once again, Hinata Shouyou had sunk below a passing grade, and once again, his participation in the training camp was going to be cut short due to a retake. 

Now, he was stuck with Tanaka’s sister, racing down the highway at a speed that was in no way legal. It was a moment of deja vu for Hinata, only this time, he was the only one separated from the team. Music blared from the radio, the heat of the sun beating down on the small car. The air was stuffy, almost thick with its humidity. It was unbearable. On top of missing an entire day of volleyball, now he had to suffer in the heat with a reckless driver. 

_Never a dull moment at least_ , he thought. Saeko was yelling the lyrics of some new pop song, her eyes drifting close as she got carried away in the music. That was when it happened. Hinata, watching the world go by out of his window, and Saeko, distracted from the cars up ahead. A sudden bout of traffic had emerged, rush hour most likely, and one by one, drivers had begun to slow. But not them. In what felt like a slow-motion video, Hinata threw a glance towards the road, only to see their car hood crumple as it made contact with the vehicle in front. 

It was only instant. It couldn’t have been more than a split second, yet it felt like it was all happening too slowly. He saw every detail of the metal fracturing, the glass shattering, and the airbag from the dashboard shooting out of its compartment. Next to him, Saeko had been flung over the wheel, her head narrowly missing an impact with the remnants of the broken windshield. Hinata felt like he was flying. He was weightless, soaring in the confined space before colliding with what felt like a brick wall. His seatbelt caught him in the air, digging into his ribs. He felt his bones bend unnaturally and try to support the pressure of the constraints. His head had been thrust forward, colliding with the top of the roof before collapsing against the airbag. This was a type of pain that Hinata had never felt before. His ears were screaming, or was that just his voice? It was loud, too loud. He couldn’t think, he couldn’t even focus on what surrounded him. Saeko was limp beside him, the smell of blood in the air. The deafening ringing increased, and suddenly he felt as if his head would explode if it didn’t stop soon. His vision was fading. Helpless, he watched the world fade into darkness.  
______________________________________________________________________________

Kageyama was frustrated. The first day of camp had already begun, and Hinata still hadn’t shown up. _It’s all that dumbass’ fault. If he had just told me he had such an important test, I wouldn’t have asked him to stay._ His muscles were sore from the countless flying laps he had done, his legs aching from running up and down the grassy hill. _That idiot, what was he thinking?_

The rest of the team had already eaten, most of them had even showered already. It was just Kageyama left, and he knew that if he didn’t hurry, the cafeteria would close before he could get dinner. Even so, he had chosen to wait at the front staircase for Hinata to show. About an hour ago, Saeko had sent Tanaka a text to say that they were getting close to arriving. Originally, the whole team had stood outside to wait, but as time went by, they slowly trickled off to go grab food. It was just him now. The hot sun was finally sinking, and a cool breeze was easing the tension in his sore legs. _They should be here by now. Why aren’t they here? It’s been too long. Where are they?_ Thoughts raced through his head. Each time he looked at his watch, he got more worried. One hour. An hour and 15 minutes. An hour and a half. Something felt wrong, and so he stayed, waiting as night came and the streetlights cast a dim shadow over his features. 

Close to the two-hour mark, with his hair a mess from running his hands through it and his leg bouncing anxiously, Kageyama heard yelling. Coach Ukai was running towards him, followed by Takeda-sensei and what looked like Suga and Daichi. Taneka was heard shouting in the distance, and in a state of shock, Kageyama jumped up to his feet. 

“Kageyama, why aren’t you in the room? You need to be with the team, you can’t be here alone at night.” Ukai had stopped in sight of him, his face flushed and his breathing heavy. Something was very wrong, and it wasn’t because the first-year setter was missing from the dorm. 

“What’s going on? What happened?” Daichi and Suga had caught up now, Tanaka trailing behind the pair. Their teacher was frantically dialing a number on his phone, cursing under his breath. 

It was only now that he noticed the pale look of fear on Tanaka’s face. Tears seemed to well up in his eyes, his expression twisted in worry. Daichi stepped in to answer as the coach hurried to talk with the other adult. “There’s been an accident, Saeko and Hinata had a collision on the highway, about 20 miles from here.” Suga walked to Kageyama’s side. 

“Right now, Takenaka-sensei and Coach Ukai are going to be taking Tanaka to the hospital, and they’re going to be staying there until things are sorted out. Nekoma’s managers and coaches will be taking care of us for the time being.” 

None of this registered with Kageyama. The sounds were muffled, Suga sounded as if he was underwater. _An accident?_ He must have heard wrong, there’s no way his partner would be careless enough to get hurt before a volleyball event. Hinata would never do that, he would never do that to the team, he would never do that to Kageyama, right? So why was Tanaka looking so lost, why were the coaches so worried? And why was Daichi looking at him like that?

Kageyama’s expression darkened as the news settled in. His eyes grew hazy, he couldn’t focus them on Suga as the third-year tried to explain things. Those blue, calculating eyes were empty now. Without realizing it, Kageyama had begun to tremble. His legs buckled underneath him and he collapsed on the concrete underneath him. He felt cold. It was as if he had fallen into a frozen lake, the water freezing his lungs as he screamed for air. His chest ached. A strangled cry escaped from his throat as he tried desperately to breathe. Something wet slid down his face. _Tears?_ There was no reason for him to be crying, nothing had happened to Hinata. This was just all a joke. Maybe even a dream. But it wasn’t real. It couldn’t be real, Kageyama refused to let it be true. 

“Daichi, Suga,” the coach broke Kageyama out of his trance, realizing that his teammates were now holding onto him, trying to comfort him as he suffocated in his mind. “I need you to take Kageyama back to the room. Get him food and make sure he rests, it won’t make him feel any better if he has to sit out of the practice matches tomorrow.”

“No.”

Kageyama looked up, his face wracked with despair, “please, you have to take me with you. Let me go too.”

Suga pulled his head against his chest, “you can’t go Kageyama, it’s best for you to stay with us, okay? I’m sure Hinata is alright. You just need to stay here.”

“You don’t know that! None of you know that! You wouldn’t be so worried if he was okay, there wouldn’t be so much panic on your faces if he wasn’t in danger!” In a swift burst of anger, Kageyama pushed his friends off and stood defiantly in front of his coach and teacher. “You have to let me come. I need to be there for him.” He lowered his head and bowed, more tears suddenly trailing down his face, falling to the floor. “I’m all he has right now.” There was a crack in his voice, and suddenly his heart felt as if it shattered into pieces. “Please just let me see him, I’m begging you”. 

It took a minute for Coach Ukai to respond. With a heavy sigh, running his hand through his hair, he reluctantly agreed. Daichi and Suga gave him an understanding nod and began to tell Tanaka their goodbyes. They didn’t know how long this would take, but luckily, the team would be able to manage fine without them. Kageyama couldn’t meet the eyes of his friends. He could barely even look up from the floor. Nothing about this made sense. He shouldn't be so worried, it wasn’t like him. Yet something about this situation had made him a nervous wreck. Why was his chest hurting? It was only Hinata, and of course, he was concerned, but this felt different. He just wanted to make sure that his partner is okay to play volleyball, that’s it. After all, why else would he be so nervous?  
______________________________________________________________________________

Hinata couldn’t move. His body was aching, and there was a pounding in his head. Everything hurt. Opening his eyes, he was greeted by sunlight filtering through a bright room. The light seared his vision, and with an exhausted whine, he tried to turn away. He could feel bandages wrapped around his torso and an IV tube protruding from the back of his hand. In his shuffling, he noticed a presence in the room. Three of them. Takeda-sensei was sitting down on a chair, scrambling to fill out what looked like paperwork. Coach Ukai was on the phone, frustration showing on his face. And sitting beside the two… _Kageyama?_ The setter had his eyes closed, letting his head rest against the wall behind him. Why was he here? Where even was here? The last thing Hinata could remember was being with Saeko in the car, how did he end up in a hospital bed?

Weakly, he tried to call out Kageyama’s name. He felt so confused, he couldn’t even think straight. His teammate sat up suddenly at the noise and met his eyes. There was an expression he couldn’t read, something that looked almost like worry. Hinata’s teacher was the first one to get to Hinata’s side, saying something that he just couldn’t understand. Once again, he said his partner’s name. It was too much for Hinata. His head wouldn’t focus, he couldn’t register what was going on. He needed Kageyama to call him dumbass and set his mind straight. 

Kageyama was beside him now, he was trying to tell Hinata something. His mouth was moving, his face was changing with syllables, but Hinata just couldn’t understand. There was too much going on. Tears began to well up, and he looked up at his partner helplessly. There was a shock, sadness, and an emotion that had never been displayed by Kageyama before. The setter tried to say something again, more frantic this time.

Hinata’s body was shaking. It didn’t make sense. Nothing was making any sense. Tears began falling down his face. In a cracking voice, quiet and heartbreaking, Hinata tried to respond. 

“I can’t hear you.”


	2. The Waiting Game

A doctor had been talking to Takeda-sensei in hushed voices for a while. They were standing in the corner away from the two boys, discussing the severity of the accident and Hinata’s medical information. His mom and Natsu were on their way, but it was still a lengthy drive, and they were the only ones who could be there with him for now. Kageyama was sitting at the bedside to watch over his partner. Hinata had turned on his side, facing away from the others in the room. 

After what he had said, employees rushed in to perform tests. They had looked inside his ears, tried to experiment with different sound frequencies, but Hinata just wouldn’t respond. The conclusion was a temporal bone fracture that affected his inner ear canals. They tried to explain that the impact of hitting the roof and the airbag at such force had most likely caused his skull to crack under the pressure. Hearing loss was often the result of such an injury, but whether it was permanent or not was yet to be seen in Hinata’s case. All they knew was that right now, the spiker’s world was silent. 

His friend hadn’t moved in what felt like ages. Kageyama couldn’t tell whether he was even awake or not. Tentatively, he reached out and placed a hand on Hinata’s shoulder. He could feel the bandages wrapped around his skin, the thin hospital gown exposing the slender frame of his body. _He’s so small._ Kageyama knew that Hinata would throw a fit if he ever said that out loud, but in the comfort of his private thoughts, he couldn’t stop thinking about how tiny he was. There was no fat on his body, his bones pushing against the thin layer of muscle along his back. Just touching him made Kageyama scared of breaking him. Who knew that this athletic monster could ever seem so frail?

As the setter lost himself in thoughts, Hinata began to stir at his touch. He shifted to look back at his partner with large brown eyes, watching every movement silently. He had never been so quiet, and it shocked Kageyama. He pulled his hand away quickly and looked down. His notebook was in his lap. He had taken it to work on homework and pass the time, but he gave up on that quickly in favor of observing his friend. Now, Kageyama hurried to turn to a blank page and scribble something down. 

_How are you feeling?_

His handwriting was shaky, and he worried it would be too hard to read, yet still, he passed it to Hinata. The orange-haired teen read it slowly. At first, Kageyama thought he made a mistake. Hinata might not even be able to write in this state, and asking about his obvious feelings certainly wasn’t the most considerate thing. Even so, Hinata reached his hand for Kageyama’s pen. 

_Honestly? I think we both know that I’ve been a lot better._

It was Kageyama’s turn to respond.

_You’ve looked worse though._

_Is that a compliment?_

_Consider it an insult, dumbass. You always look like shit._

There was a strangled laugh from the spiker’s throat. At first, it sounded as if he was on the verge of tears, but upon closer studying, Kageyama realized it was because Hinata simply couldn’t hear himself. He could talk okay, there was no damage to his vocal cords, but not being able to listen to his sounds was throwing Hinata off. He would try to talk back to his friend, but upon realizing there was no sound, his words became rushed and hard to decipher. It terrified him. 

_I can’t hear myself. I try to talk and I know there are words, but I can’t hear them. I know I must be saying something, right? But it’s so quiet. I feel like I’ve forgotten how to even make a sound._

_Forgotten how to make noise?_

_I don’t know how to explain it more. There are so many things that I never even noticed or cared about, but now that I can’t hear them, it’s as if I’ve lost the signs that I’m alive. I can’t hear my breathing, I can’t hear movements, I can’t even hear what’s around me. It feels like I’m a ghost, like I don’t even exist anymore._

Kageyama stiffened at this. He could understand it, but he didn’t want to believe it. _A ghost? Hinata?_ It felt so wrong. It angered him. He couldn’t even bring himself to realize that Takeda-sensei was talking to him, saying he was going to step out for some air. It was just them now. Hinata sat silently watching as Kageyama waged war with the emotions inside of him. Hatred towards the world, sorrow for the feelings Hinata was feeling, helplessness at himself. There was nothing he could do while his friend was suffering. He had never felt like this before, never been so confused about things. 

_You’re alive, Hinata._

_It’s just hard to convince myself that I am._

He didn’t know what came over him. In a sudden movement, Kageyama took Hinata’s hand in his and pressed it to his friend's chest. It was so warm, so soft, so unexpected that it hurt. It wasn’t like him, but he just needed Hinata to know. Together, fingers gently brushing against each other, Hinata’s heartbeat pounding beneath their touch. It was real, his pulse was proof of that. Their eyes met and Kageyama mouthed one word. _Alive._  
______________________________________________________________________________

It took hours for Hinata’s family to arrive. By then, it was well past midnight. When Takeda-sensei came back to deliver the news, he found the boys asleep, Kageyama’s head resting on the bed near Hinata. It was a different sight then what he was used to. The two teammates weren’t yelling at each other, they weren’t being rowdy, they were calm. They looked peaceful. After a moment, he left to find the others, failing to notice the pair of hands still intertwined. 

In the lobby, a tired Natsu was curled up into her mother’s side. It was late and the drive was long, Takeda-sensei could understand. Coach Ukai was standing with her, talking to a doctor over the medical information. Something was said about a “waiting game”, and Hinata’s mother looked heartbroken. Behind them, with his head buried into his knees, was Tanaka. For someone who had such a thug-like appearance, he appeared to be just a little kid at this moment. Saeko had received considerable injuries, but none as drastic as Hinata’s. Her arm was broken, she had a cracked rib, and shards of glass had opened numerous cuts along her body. She would heal with time. This did not stop Tanaka from being a nervous wreck, and in an attempt to comfort him, Takeda-sensei sat down and wrapped his arm around him. It was the only thing he could think to do at that moment. Tanaka needed someone by his side, and unfortunately, he was alone. 

“Tanaka. I think Hinata’s family is going up to see him, but I know you must be exhausted. We have a few hotel rooms booked nearby, so I can take you there or you can come up and just check in on your teammate.” He wanted to give him the choice, he wasn’t completely sure whether or not he even knew or understood Hinata’s condition. Tanaka’s family couldn’t be reached no matter how often they called, and he hoped that the boy would take the chance to see his friends. That way, at least he could leave the hospital with Kageyama, rather than just his teacher. “We’ll be back tomorrow to see them too, so don’t feel like you have to go now. It’s up to how you’re feeling now.”

Tanaka looked awful. He hadn’t stopped shaking since he received the call from the hospital. As Hinata and Saeko were being taken from the wreckage, she had given her brother’s information as the primary contact. He could still remember what it felt like to hear the news, how much it tore him apart. He had frozen in place, the shock was too much to bear. Daichi and Suga were with him, they were the ones to tell the adults and get Tanaka to move. They pushed him towards his sister. He was more grateful than they would ever know. _His friends. His team._

“Does the team know? About the accident and Hinata?” It was the first words that Tanaka had spoken in what felt like an eternity. His teacher nodded. 

“I called Nekoma’s coach after Hinata’s tests were done. By now the rest of the team should all be informed of the current situation.” Slowly, he carried on. “I asked that they finish the camp with or without you three. I figured that you would prefer it that way, and they have enough members to fill in the gaps.”

Tanaka nodded in agreement. He wouldn’t want the team to lose this opportunity and lose the chance to train. They would just have to try extra hard without them. With a heavy sigh, he began to stand. “Let’s go see Hinata.”  
______________________________________________________________________________

The incoming visit was somber. As the group of friends and family trickled into the room, Hinata felt Kageyama retract his touch. His mother was there first, tears streaming down her face as she looked over her only son. A tired Natsu shuffled her way onto the bed beside him and laid her head down on his chest, letting him hold her tightly. Together, they sat for a while, not attempting to talk. Being with each other was enough for now. Takeda-sensei was offering water to those in the room, and Hinata noticed he was discussing something with Tanaka. After the initial confusion, it clicked. _Tanaka. He’s here for Saeko._ The spiker stretched his hand out to Kageyama, reaching for the notepad. 

_Is Saeko alright?_ He motioned for Tanaka to take it, watching as he read it over and began to write something of his own.

_She will be. Some broken bones with lots of cuts, like you._ Hinata almost laughed at the messy scrawl of handwriting. It looked almost illegible. However, a glance at his arms silenced him. Cuts from glass littered his skin, some even held together with stitches. He hoped that his face looked better than the bruised patterns over his forearms. 

Kageyama had taken Tanaka’s attention, saying things that Hinata could not hear. He knew he shouldn’t be surprised now. He knew that it wasn’t a shock anymore. But he couldn’t get used to it. Every time someone’s mouth opened, it was silent. He longed to hear the wind again, music playing through his headphones, the familiar sound of volleyball practice. But instead, there was nothing. He was empty. Earlier, Kageyama had taken his hand and together, they felt his heartbeat. It had been racing the closer his teammate moved, and he hoped that Kageyama couldn’t tell. A faint blush spread throughout his cheeks. Even if they were barely more than opponents, something about his gentle side was enticing to Hinata. It was different from the scowl he always wore. This was a part of him that only Hinata got to see, only he got to know it existed. He smiled softly and stared at his teammate. Something felt as if it changed. 

He continued to watch those around him. His friends were talking by his bedside, and his coach and teacher were in the corner, presumably discussing how to continue things with the team. His mother was trying to communicate with the notepad, but Natsu would complain every so often and insist on drawing something for her big brother. Even though it frustrated her, the smile on her son’s face was worth it. Stick figures and animals filled a page, each one with a story behind it. Hinata wished he could only hear what she was explaining to him. She looked so excited about her work, but he couldn’t understand anything. It was a pain that he wouldn’t wish on anyone. 

The reunion continued for shorter than he expected. Takeda-sensei began to insist on the boys getting rest after such a long day, and as Natsu began to fall asleep on the bed, Hinata’s mother agreed. One by one, they told the orange-haired goodbye and headed down to the main floor. Kageyama was the last to leave. 

_Will you be okay tonight?_

_Why wouldn’t I be? I can handle myself just fine._

His teammate smiled softly at that. 

_Yeah right, you always get lost on runs and you still can’t receive for shit._

This made Hinata let out his strangled laugh again. He felt warm. Even though the world had begun to crumble around him, this normalcy with Kageyama made it seem as though nothing had changed. 

_Just go catch up with the others. I’m sure they’re waiting and I promise that I will be fine this time._

_Then I’ll be off. See you tomorrow?_

_It’s not like I’m leaving anywhere soon._

Kageyama looked down in surprise at his foolishness and laughed. Hinata was aching to hear it. He rarely ever heard his partner laugh, especially because of his own doing. He wanted to hear his laugh, he wanted to remember the sound of his voice. Hinata had become terrified of forgetting the noise. He clung to it desperately, using it to ground himself in the chaos. Anxiety began to overwhelm him, and hesitantly, he reached for Kageyama’s hand. The other boy didn’t pull away, but rather, he let their fingers intertwine. Hinata lifted his arm and placed their hands over Kageyama’s heart. It was pounding just as strongly as Hinata’s, a rushed, unmistakable pulse. They stayed like that as long as they could. Hinata didn’t want to let go of the warm hand encasing his, he wanted to continue feeling the rhythm in his fingertips. It was soothing, it felt safe. As he pulled away, he noticed Kageyama’s hesitation in letting go. Though it may have only been for a second, his touch lingered against Hinata. He didn’t want to leave. He wanted to stay. 

Hinata shook his head and pushed the words out of his throat, “you have to go.” Kageyama drew back and looked down, nodding before saying what Hinata interpreted as a goodbye. With that, he was left alone in the room, the silence weighing him down. As the lights were turned off for him to sleep, he found himself trapped in darkness. There was nothing around him. He was alone, not even having the company of his breathing to keep him calm. Visions of the car accident flashed through his mind, the shattering of glass and screeching of metal replaying in his head. It was the only sound he could hear, and it was all in his head. Not even his memories felt real anymore. 

Whimpering, Hinata curled into himself and let out a painful sob. He clutched his hand over his heart where Kageyama’s once was. There was still a beat. His chest was still rising and falling. He still existed. 

Hinata remained like that until he fell asleep, crying and calling out for his partner without even realizing it.


	3. Visits

The week came to an end at an excruciatingly slow pace. For the remaining days of the retreat, Kageyama and Tanaka spent their time in the hospital with Hinata and Saeko. Their coach had attempted to suggest they return to the games but found little success with the stubborn players. Tanaka wished to stay with his sister, and Hinata had grown a slight dependency on Kageyama that prevented him from willingly leaving the spiker’s side. Even though he was surrounded by the company of his family and mentors, Hinata had turned to his partner for comfort and support. Through every time he broke apart, Kageyama opened up more to him. He wasn’t as cold as he once was, but rather he had become more of a friend than he thought possible. 

It was easier for Hinata to fall apart now. Even small things would send him into a depressive spiral. Watching his mother and sister talk broke his heart. Seeing Kageyama trying to laugh and joke with him shattered his soul. The more normal things were, the harder it was for him. Hinata had tried to explain it to him once before, saying that it was as if he was the only thing that changed while the world around him pushed him away. Noises haunted him as much as he longed to hear them. His mind was screaming constantly, and with every second longer of silence, the louder his head became. 

In moments when Hinata was at his lowest, Kageyama found the best way to help his friend was to repeat the same thing he did the first day he came to the hospital. Taking the small hand in his own, he would hold it against either one of their chests, pressing it against the soothing heartbeats. It was a distraction for him, taking him out of the mind that tormented him so much. To Hinata, it was the only comfort. To Kageyama, it felt as if something had begun to bloom inside him. He had never felt like this before. He pushed it away as much as he could, telling himself that it was just because he was being a good friend. But how come this felt so good? How come this orange tangerine's smile had become so encapsulating through the past few weeks? How come he couldn’t stop staring, and why didn’t he want to stop?

He was lost in his thoughts, asking these very questions, when Hinata brought him out of the daze with a poke. Looking towards the boy, he saw a pout on his face. His finger was pointing at the notebook on the bed. 

_Stop spacing out and play! It’s your turn._

The page was filled with numerous tic-tac-toe games. The score was 16-11 with Hinata in the lead, lighting a fire underneath his teammate that kept him smiling the whole time they played. Kageyama scribbled a quick apology and filled his square. It was a simple time-waster. Together, their talks and games had filled over half of the notebook, and Kageyama had even torn out the school work to make it an exclusive item just for them. Doodles filled empty spaces between the words, courtesy of Natsu. It wasn’t much, but merely having the book there seemed to connect them in an unspoken way, quite literally. It was intimate. Deep conversations and confessions were shared only between each other. During one of Kageyama’s frequent naps on the bedside, Hinata had even titled the front cover as “Our Book”. Each time he saw it, he couldn’t keep the grin off his face. _Their book._

This had been their pattern for almost every day they spent in the hospital together. By Friday, the camp was over and Hinata was close to being discharged. As they continued the game, the echo of voices carried through the hallway. Kageyama turned to look just as a group of boys came into the room. One by one, the entire volleyball team filtered inside. Everyone was here. Hinata’s eyes lit up at the sight of his friends. There was a big smile on his face, and he perked up in bed to greet them. 

Even though he had no regrets towards leaving the camp, Kageyama had to admit he missed them a lot. It would have been fun for them to finish training together, but seeing them all like this was worth it. The team had brought food with them, courtesy of the volleyball coaches and managers, and passed it around to everyone in the room. Suga and Nishinoya sat at Hinata’s bedside, Yamaguchi and Tsukishima were sitting against the wall, and Daichi, Asahi, and Ennoshita were standing with Coach Ukai. It was loud and cramped, but no one seemed to mind. Even Tanaka was goofing around his fellow teammates, smiling for the first time in what felt like a long time. It didn’t take long for Kageyama to realize that other players were there, ones who weren’t even from Karasuno. Kenma and Kuroo had chosen to pay a visit to the spiker, accompanied by Bokuto. It was good to see them all. It was good to see how happy it made Hinata. Kageyama let out a sigh of relief, glad to see some of his partner’s spirit back. 

The notebook was being passed around between individuals and groups, each one stopping to talk to Hinata as long as they could. It had felt strange without their friends, and seeing each other, even in this setting, lifted a weight off of their chests. Hinata wasn’t going to be discharged until the next day, and Kageyama had asked to stay one more night with his family. The coach and teacher were going to be taking everyone home, and Tanaka and Saeko would be leaving with them. He knew it was an intrusion to ask his friend’s mother to house him, but she was more than happy to oblige after seeing how much he helped Hinata. It was going to be okay. The doctors said they felt hopeful for his recovery, and now all they had to do was wait. 

It didn’t take long for the team to tire out. They had been working nonstop ever since they arrived, and everyone was exhausted. Daichi had fallen asleep in a chair with his head resting on Suga’s shoulder. Tanaka, Asahi, and Nishinoya had quieted down and were now chatting peacefully in a circle on the floor. Kageyama had been lost in thought with a carton of milk as he watched his teammates. Looking over at Hinata, he saw that he and Tsukishima were using the notebook to play hangman. It made him smile. The blocker wasn’t avoiding the company like he normally would, rather, it looked as if he was the one who initiated it. 

“Oh? I don’t think I’ve ever seen you smile like that before, Kageyama.” Suga was staring at him with a knowing look. “Want to come with more for some fresh air?”

“Now? What about Daichi?”

“He’ll be fine once I move him.” There was a bright laugh from the third-year, and slowly, he pushed his friend off of him so he would rest against the wall again. His movements were delicate and careful, making sure not to wake him. He pulled Kageyama out of the chair and out the door, “let’s go.”

They walked through the empty hallway, footsteps echoing against the wall. The sun was casting a golden hue through the windows, reminding Kageyama of a certain short teammate of his. Suga hadn’t stopped smiling since they left the room. It was strange, the setter had always been an understanding spirit, but at this moment, he felt as if he had something to say. 

“I was surprised to hear that you wanted to leave.”

Kageyama met his curious eyes. “Surprised?”

“It’s not like you to abandon volleyball, even if it was just practice matches. Especially when it’s because of Hinata.” It felt as if he was gauging Kageyama’s reaction. He was trying to find the answer to something. 

He hesitated, “am I not allowed to be worried for my friend?”

“There’s a difference between worrying and choosing to leave the thing you love most. I don’t mean this as an offense, but I was surprised you decided to do the latter.”

It was silent after that. They had walked outside, and Kageyama found that they were in a garden. The view opened up towards the horizon and the sun could be seen slowly slipping down the sky. A gust of wind blew through his hair and caught his jacket. It was refreshing to be in the cold, it cleared his mind. Suga had stopped in front of him and turned to look back at the younger boy. “I just want to understand what’s going on, that’s all. Hinata is, of course, in a difficult position, but I’m trying to figure out why you were so desperate to go.” 

Kageyama stared down at Suga. What is he trying to say? He was worried about his friend, so he went to give him company? Why the hell was Suga trying to get a different answer than the truth?

“I told you. Hinata is my partner, so I was concerned.”

“I see,” Suga sighed in surrender, and met his eyes with his signature smile, “I’m sorry if I pushed you the wrong way, there’s just something I wanted to see for myself.”

“What are you talking about?”

Kageyama was confused. It didn’t make sense why he was being questioned for looking after a friend. He wasn’t heartless.  
“Hinata is going through a sensitive time.” 

“I’m not an idiot, Suga, I know that.”

“Good. Then you realize that he might not be able to handle a lot of emotions for a while.”

The situation made Kageyama tense. Suga was implying something, but he couldn’t figure out what. Of course, he understood Hinata was overwhelmed, but what did that have to do with him?

Suga continued, “I’m just saying this because I think you need to understand it. I know you’re not stupid, but you are oblivious and careless sometimes.”

“Did you bring me out here to talk about being a better friend?”

“No, I’m talking about you being more than a friend.” 

More than a friend? What was that supposed to mean? Was Suga saying he’s Hinata's best friend? He gritted his teeth and stared at Suga. 

“Kageyama, I understand things may be changing for you. And no one is happier for you than I am. But you need to be cautious of other people’s feelings. If you go and suddenly change something else in his life by expressing your own emotions, it might break him. Don’t suddenly take this opportunity to be a knight in shining armor. It isn’t what he needs right now.” 

“I’m not trying to change anything! I’m his friend!” Suga and Kageyama stood silently, staring each other down. Kageyama was only trying to be a companion for his partner. Who did Suga think he was? Anger rose inside of him. He didn’t care if he sounded defensive or not, it was no business of Suga’s to be trying to tell him what he already knew. Hinata needed a friend, and that’s why Kageyama stepped forward. 

A chill was settling in as darkness crept over the sky above. His clothes no longer kept him warm, and shivers were running down his spine. Suga wasn’t backing down from this. Kageyama didn’t even know what “this” was. He was so focused on scanning Suga’s face for answers that he didn’t hear others approaching them. Daichi and Asahi were walking towards them, calling out their names. The team was getting ready to leave, and the third-years had left to get Suga to the bus. The conversation was over.  
______________________________________________________________________________

Kageyama watched the bus leave from Hinata’s window. His mind was still racing in an attempt to figure out the events from earlier. He had never seen Suga so serious before, especially when it came to him simply being friends with Hinata. It was unsettling. He couldn’t wrap his head around it. 

From behind him, Hinata made a soft noise. He had fallen asleep quickly after the team left, exhausted from so much excitement. Kageyama walked to his side, moving his fingers to brush against the back of Hinata’s hand. He called out in his sleep, turning towards the touch and mumbling a word faintly. 

“‘Yama… ‘yama.”

Kageyama smiled fondly, his heart swelling unknowingly. It was so endearing. He felt as if his chest was going to burst. 

“I’m here, Hinata.” 

No matter what Suga believed, he was just trying to be a good friend. Natsu and Hinata’s mother walked into the room, and with a final glance towards his partner, Kageyama picked up his bag and left the room. That evening, laying on the floor of their hotel apartment, he found that he couldn’t fall asleep. The conversation kept replaying in his mind, interrupted occasionally by Hinata’s voice calling his name. It was going to be a long night.


	4. Starlight

To Hinata, the drive home was more exhausting than having his whole team visit him at once. When he would normally be listening to music, it was silent. When he’d usually be talking his family’s ears off, he couldn’t say a word. Kageyama had sat next to him the whole time. He was grateful for his friend, there was a part of him that felt like he wouldn’t be able to get through this without the other. They had gotten home past 1 o’clock, and by then, Hinata’s mother insisted that Kageyama stay the night. Not only would it be a burden on his family to arrive so late, but it would also allow for Kageyama to stay with Hinata a little longer. She worried about her son. At least when the two boys were together, he would smile like nothing ever happened. 

The doctors had ordered him to rest as much as possible, insisting that he remain in bed and that he have company at all times to prevent additional panic or stress. Any indication of healing would start to show at around a month and a half, hopefully showing signs of his hearing returning. Hinata was counting down the days. 

However, the moment at hand took much more of his attention right now. Kageyama was setting up a futon next to his bed. His bed. Kageyama was in his room. To his knowledge, this was the first time that the setter had been over to his house. _Crap_. He didn’t know how to react to this. Luckily, his friend wasn’t attempting to talk much, allowing Hinata to stare in secret. Even though it was such a simple task, he was so concentrated. His eyebrows were furrowed, his black hair hanging over his face. The muscles he had spent so long building through volleyball were tense as he moved his arms to spread out the mattress. It was, dare he say, entertaining. Hinata felt a blush creep over his face as Kageyama turned to face him. They held each other’s eyes for a moment. Kageyama was studying every part of him. He could feel the gaze lingering over the details of his face. Without realizing it, he began to reach towards the taller boy. His hand stretched out, touching his fingertips to Kageyama’s hand. It wasn’t the first time they had done this, they had used it before as a way to calm Hinata down, but this wasn’t like that. He looked down at where he was touching, and Kageyama began to move closer. They were inches away from each other. It felt as if there was no space left for him to breathe. He lifted his head to look up at the boy, feeling his fingers move on their own, running softly up Kageyama’s arm. Kageyama looked like he was holding something back. It felt smooth. His skin was so soft compared to the rough calluses on his palm. They met eyes once again, and he saw the setter’s mouth move. He was saying something. 

He drew his hand back and forced the words out of his throat, “what is it?” There was a shake of his head and Kageyama turned around. The moment was gone. He could no longer hold his friend’s gaze. This was a longing Hinata had never experienced before. All he wanted was to just hear that voice again. Even if it was in a meaningless conversation, he just wanted to listen to Kageyama. _Please. Just once more._

That time never came. He waited on a miracle, a miraculous recovery that would heal him right on the spot, but it never happened. Rather, Kageyama couldn’t meet his eyes anymore. He refused to look at him. The lights had been shut off, and without a word, both boys had settled down in their beds. There was an empty feeling inside of him. Even though his friend was three feet away, he had never been so lonely. Why did it hurt so much? There were so many emotions running through him that he couldn’t keep track. Hinata was confused, he was lost. His thoughts began growing louder and louder in the silence of his mind. It was too much. It was all just too much for him. He scrambled out of bed and made his way to their garden outside. The night air was cool against the sweat of his back. A slight chill calmed him down enough to breathe properly, and his thoughts began to clear. Above him, a galaxy of stars lit up the sky. He couldn’t remember the last time he looked at the lights. It had been so long since he took the chance to let himself get lost in the sight. 

He felt movement through the wooden deck underneath his feet. Kageyama had followed him outside, awoken by the noise of Hinata leaving the room. He mouthed the words, “are you okay?” Hinata nodded and looked away. He still couldn’t sort out his feelings. He wasn’t sure what happened in the bedroom, or what it meant. 

Both of them were gazing at the stars. Without the notebook, they couldn’t have a conversation. Hinata could force himself to speak if he was feeling brave, but even then, he still wouldn’t be able to understand Kageyama. He sighed and averted his eyes to the ground. In a cruel turn of events, another presence under the bright sky with him only made him feel more alone. He let his mind wander back to when he was a child. Being held in his mother’s arms. The sweet smell of lavender. Her voice, clear as day, singing to him as they watched the stars. What was that tune? She had sung it in English, so it couldn’t be Japanese. It was similar to a lullaby, full of light melodies, its simplicity reflecting on the flow of the notes. What was it? His brain wracked through years of memories. Hearing the tune being played on a cafe piano, hearing it as a ringtone on the subway, the name was right there in the back of his mind. 

“Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.” He blurted it out loud with no hesitation. Kageyama turned to look at him in confusion. It looked like he was trying to say something, but once again, Hinata sent him a sorrowful look. He knew it was no use trying to talk. Nothing would truly work until he could hear again. Volleyball would be difficult without being able to communicate with his team. School would be impossible without a translator with him. Even simply talking to someone, like he wanted to now, would never be the same. His throat tightened as he fought the urge to cry. He knew life could never be as it was no matter if he got better. Too much had changed to allow him to go back to normal. Tears slid down his face, and he felt himself let out a sob. 

Before he knew it, Kageyama had taken his hand and pulled him against something warm. The setter was holding him close to his chest, arms wrapped around Hinata’s waist. _He smells like flowers_. It was hard for him to hold back a laugh at that. He never would have guessed that Tobio Kageyama smelled so sweet. It reminded him of watermelons in the summer or spring strawberries. His head was resting over Kageyama’s heart, and he could feel the steady beat underneath the layers of clothes and muscles. Hinata let his eyes fall shut and focused on the rhythm. The large hands on his back made him feel safe. The warmth of his body was addictive, he craved more. The sensation of being held by someone so much bigger was comforting. He felt peace inside his mind for the first time since the accident. 

They remained like that for an eternity. Neither one could let go, and neither of them wanted to. A deep vibration had begun in Kageyama’s torso, and it took Hinata a moment to realize that he was singing. He could feel the rise and fall of notes in sync, each one being subtle and gentle. Hinata lifted his hand and placed it against Kageyama’s chest, pulling back slightly to look up at him. The movement of his lips, combined with what he was feeling, gave the song away. It was the lullaby he had mentioned so suddenly. Kageyama was standing in front of him, singing, and his mind could barely process it. Those deep blue eyes were focused on him alone. There was a subtle sway in his body, moving Hinata closer. One of his hands trailed over the spiker’s waist, gliding up his arm before pulling the smaller hand into his. It was as if they were beginning to dance. 

Something was different from the Kageyama he knew. This version was softer and kinder. Even though they still made fun of each other, he hadn’t raised his voice once. _Is he trying not to scare me? Or is this all out of pity?_ That must be it. There was no other explanation. They had always been at each other’s throats, they had always fought. It seemed impossible that it could all change overnight like this. Kageyama only sympathized with Hinata. It was only pity. He looked over at their hands, studying how they fit together so perfectly. He wanted so badly for this to be real.   
______________________________________________________________________________

_Hinata had been sitting in the doorway when Suga approached him. The team was taking their water break, but he had been forced to sit out after a bad fight with his partner. It was their worst one yet. Hinata had felt off all day, and it showed in his failure to receive hits. With each thunk of leather against the wooden floor, Kageyama grew more and more upset with him. Sounds of yelling and screaming followed, and as it calmed down, Hinata was on the ground with a hefty mark on his cheek from the setter’s fist. Daichi and Asahi had pulled Kageyama off of him as fast as they could, but the damage had already been done._

_“Hinata? Is the ice helping?”_

_“As best as it can I suppose.”_

_There was a weak chuckle from his upperclassman. “Don’t worry, you’ll be back on your feet in no time to hit his tosses again.”_

_He had tried to cheer Hinata up with a joke, but he was stopped short by the sight of the boy in tears._

_“Suga, it’s never going to get better. We’ll always be like this.” There was anguish in his eyes, reflecting pure sorrow in the details of his face. This was truly hurting Hinata. It had been tearing him to pieces and no one had noticed. The setter placed his hand on his shoulder._

_“How long have you felt this way?” There was something far beneath the surface that even Hinata couldn’t recognize. It was only a guess, but Suga felt that there was a strong attachment between the two. “Is it possible that you’re trying to be something more with Kageyama?”_

_“I can’t even call us friends. It’s been months, and every time we get to a point where we can act close, it falls apart. There’s always a fight, there’s always an argument that forces us back to where we were in the beginning. I can’t do this anymore. It’s too much.”_

_Suga pulled his friend close. He didn’t know if Hinata had feelings for the setter, but even if he did, it didn’t seem as though he realized it. But it made so much sense. Hinata always looked so broken after their fights. There were raw emotions that seemed much deeper than just those caused by friendship troubles. Yet, if he was right, and Hinata perhaps did like Kageyama more than a friend, then he seemed to be slowly losing himself. Each day that went by, the spiker was drifting away from his partner. Soon, there would be no feelings left for Kageyama. They would become nothing more than teammates. Suga wasn’t sure which would be better for the boy. Having to deal with unrequited love towards someone as cruel as Kageyama would ruin Hinata. Moving on and becoming distant from him may impact their playing, but at least it would keep Hinata intact._

_From that moment on, holding the trembling, hurting boy in his arms, Suga vowed to himself that he would look after him. He would keep Hinata safe._  
______________________________________________________________________________

This wasn’t the Kageyama he knew. Hinata understood that even if he didn’t want to. Ever since the accident, something had changed him. He was supportive and caring, always trying to look out for Hinata, even when it inconvenienced him. What happened to the setter who never let anything go, who reminded Hinata that he was a screw-up everyday? This new Kageyama was messing with his head. 

Ever since they met, Kageyama was never the type to show compassion. But here they were, dancing in the starlight. Even if it was only sympathy, he just wanted to engrave this moment into his mind. There were times in the past where he wondered how he truly felt about his partner. When Yachi had met her boyfriend, she couldn’t stop talking about the smallest of things. Watching him smile, hearing him say her name, the way he pulled at his hair, they were all things that she fell in love with. Was it possible to feel the same way about Kageyama? When he wasn’t acting like a king, he was easy to get along with. And since the accident, Hinata had been longing to hear his voice more and more. Even now, when he should be pulling away, he couldn’t bring himself to let go of the warm embrace. _If this is all in my mind, if this is just me overthinking, please… just let me have this night._

He brought his eyes up to Kageyama’s. He wasn't scared of his thoughts for now. Hinata pushed himself closer and buried his face into the crook of the setter’s neck. Swaying under the skies, inhaling the sweet smell, he felt himself getting lost in the rush of emotions. Kageyama wasn’t pulling away. He squeezed the other’s hand twice, and let his eyes fall shut. 

They slept peacefully that night. The two boys remained in separate beds, but sometime during the evening, Hinata had reached his hand out for Kageyama’s. Their fingers intertwined in the dark, a secret touch only they could feel. Soft. Warm. Safe. _Please just let me have this. It’s all I have left._


	5. The King

Kageyama was trying his best. Ever since their last fight, he had been working on holding back his bitter comments, making sure to compliment Hinata whenever he could. Even so, it never changed the fear in his partner’s eyes. He knew he had stepped, more like leaped, over the boundaries they had. 

_The day of the argument was one of Kageyama’s lowest moments. It was a combination of things stacking up against him, and every time he thought it couldn’t get worse, it somehow did. It was the anniversary of his grandfather’s death, he hadn’t gotten any rest, and his grades were falling more than they ever had before. On top of that, when he went to pick Hinata up for lunch, he had found the spiker in the middle of receiving a love confession._

_It was a girl from Kageyama’s class. She was saying something about watching him play volleyball and meeting him from one of her friends. She was certainly cute by society’s standards. Big eyes, full hair, the works. But Hinata didn’t have time to mess with relationships. He had training to focus on, he had a tournament coming up. His jaw clenched. What was he doing slacking off? It was so irresponsible. Kageyama was angry. Angry at the world, angry at this girl who thought she could take Hinata from his sport, angry at his partner for thinking it was okay to even consider the idea of having such a big distraction. Volleyball came first. The team came first. Their duo came first._

_“Oh? Hinata has an admirer? I never thought the day would come.” Tsukishima and Yamaguchi were behind him, a smirk on the blonde’s face. “I guess if there’s hope for him, there’s hope for all of us.” Kageyama shot him a glare. “Don’t get too riled up, King. It’s not like he was going to depend on you forever. Surely you knew that.”_

_Depend on him? Hinata depended on him? Kageyama had no clue what the blocker meant. He was scanning the other’s face for answers._

_“You didn’t know? You’re serious?” There was a cackle as Tsukishima realized. “Hinata has been chasing you for so long. You’re the only one who can give him what he wants. Those stupid quick tosses of yours.”_

_“So what? That’s just volleyball.” Kageyama stiffened and tried to stand taller against the giant before him._

_“What are you going to do when he wants something else? When he discovers he wants more than just tosses in life? He’s going to want so much more outside of volleyball, things that you can’t give him.” Yamaguchi was trying to pull Tsukishima away. Antagonizing the setter wouldn’t make practice any easier for the team._

_Kageyama was starting to get pissed. “You don’t know what you’re talking about. I don’t want him to depend on me.”_

_“Your face says otherwise, King. You won’t be able to give him everything the way you are now. Soon enough he’ll find another person to fill your place, and then you’ll understand. Your sets are slowly becoming not enough for him. You’ll be lost once he leaves.”_

_It took all he had, plus Yamaguchi’s insisting, to keep him from hurting Tsukishima. He didn’t need Hinata. Hinata didn’t need him. They were teammates. But even so, it made him incredibly mad. He couldn’t figure it out. Kageyama’s fist was clenched, his nails digging into his palm. What would happen once they moved on? Would he never set for Hinata again? Would their attack duo be over? Even if it was hard to admit, he didn’t want that. He wanted to toss to Hianta for as long as he could. He would do it forever if he was given the chance. His chest ached. Kageyama never thought about it until now, but one day, he and Hinata would part ways and live separate lives. He didn’t want that. He didn’t want to end this._

_Volleyball without Hinata felt wrong. He cast a look at where his partner was standing with the girl, and turned away. He didn’t know the answer Hinata gave. He was too scared to find out. Anger at Tsukishima and fear over the future built up inside him. The next thing he knew, Hinata was on the floor of the gym, eyes full of fear. His knuckles were stinging._  
______________________________________________________________________________

Kageyama was lost in thought. He had made it back home hours ago, and had resorted to tossing his volleyball against his wall. Tsukishima and Suga’s words rang in his head. Both of them had insinuated the same thing. They both believed something deeper was going on between the two players. Whatever it was, he still wasn’t sure of how to understand it. 

The night before was a mix of confusion and spontaneous decisions. Hinata was so vulnerable, acting purely on a whim or his current mood. It was easy to see that he was looking for a distraction. Was that all he was? An escape? Kageyama hoped he wasn’t. He genuinely cared for his partner, he had ever since they landed their first quick attack. Even if they fought they were always friends. At least, that’s what he thought. It was possible Hinata was only around him because of his tosses. It made sense. And now that he was in a rough patch, Kageyama was probably just a distraction for the other. Hinata just needed him around to make his life easier. It’s not like he was trying to be friends, right?

This entire situation had been a chance to start over. He wanted to be friends, he wanted to be close. The night of the accident, even he was surprised when he demanded to visit the hospital. Kageyama had tried to give Hinata the space he needed so they could rebuild everything, but in the end, he couldn’t stay away. It was possible that he could have shown up and been told to leave by the spiker. Instead, he became a rock for him. Hinata never asked once for him to go away during this mess. He clung to him, using him as his source of strength. It felt good. He was finally helping the boy instead of hurting him. This was their reset button. This was his chance to build a lifelong friendship. Together, they could take down the strongest of teams. That’s what he wanted. Not just a teammate, but a true partner. 

It was hard to admit, but Tsukishima was right in a way. To Kageyama, it seemed that the only way they were able to get to this moment was because he was being depended on. Hinata needed him to be there. He needed him. Secretly, he was scared of the day to come where his hearing returned. What would happen then? He wouldn’t be able to help anymore. He couldn’t support him like he was now. Hinata only needed him because he was injured, once that ended, he would be cast away, just as the blocker said. He didn’t want that to happen. He never wanted to leave his friend’s side. Hinata was using him and he loved it. It was intoxicating. Even if he needed someone to hold him or dance with him under the stars, Kageyama wanted to be that person for him. He would fill any role, do anything he asked. He just wanted this to last. Even if it hurt because a part of him was missing, he would do it for Hinata. They were the fated duo. They were meant to stay that way. He was prepared to sell his soul to keep them together.

But the question still remained. Once Hinata was healed, would he even want Kageyama in his life? Was he willing to sacrifice himself just as much as the setter was? It all felt so one-sided. He was sure that it would end as soon as he could hear again. The fear would return, as would the distrust, and they would return to strangers on the court. All he wanted was for them to stay as they were now. If that meant that Hinata may remain deaf, he was ready to help at his side for as long as he could. _If he never gets better, then maybe we can always be like this_. It sounded so awful. He felt disgusted for even thinking that. He truly was a corrupt king, there was no doubt in his mind, but was it so bad for wanting to kneel at the feet of his servant? It twisted him apart. His consciousness was screaming at him, reminding him of how immoral his wishes were, but his desires felt even stronger. He was a monster.   
______________________________________________________________________________

Saturday practice was over. Most of the team was gone or lingering at the school gates before parting their separate ways. Kageyama had stayed behind like usual. Normally, it would be he and Hinata together, but even alone, setting tosses or serving was the best way to calm his mind. Even Yachi had left, and the silence of the gym cleared his thoughts. He was so sure he was alone. He thought he was at least. 

Ball after ball was hit against the back line. His precision was improving every day. Each serve was mechanical, finely-tuned to the slightest details. Letting out a calm breath, he held the ball out and tossed it, beginning his jump sequence. Out of the corner of his eye, a spot of orange hair appeared, and he faltered. His feet seemed to stop moving, his arm frozen in place. Hinata was there. A baggy shirt hung over his small frame, his hair looking as if he had just woken up. The notebook was in his arms. Kageyama knew he should be at home resting, being here wasn’t going to help the situation he was already in. Collecting himself, he began to walk towards the spiker. Hinata was holding the book out to him, turned to a page with something already scribbled on. 

_I wanted to see if I could still hit a toss. I knew you would be here so I came to practice._

Kageyama sighed and wrote back. _I can set for you later, but you need to be resting. Exerting yourself won’t do you any good._

_If I don’t try now then my mind won’t ever stop worrying about whether I can or not. Please, just give me a few. Then I’ll leave._

It was never easy trying to reason with the boy. He did understand however. With a conflicted glance, he motioned for Hinata to get ready. A couple of tosses wouldn’t hurt. Besides, it wasn’t as if he needed to hear in order to see where a ball was moving. The main concern was his other injuries. The cuts and bruises were still painful to look at, and his body was undoubtedly sore from the events that occured. And if Hinata, for whatever reason, couldn’t spike, it would ruin his fragile heart even more. He needed to make sure that each toss counted. 

He kept his eyes on the boy. His stance was the same as ever, and his energy was through the roof. _It’ll be fine_. In a burst of adrenaline, Hinata rushed forward to the net. Kageyama watched the trajectory of his jump and his hand, focused on where it would land the best, and tossed. There was the familiar sound of a palm against leather, then the sound of it being pushed into the ground with brute force. Rather than the smile he expected, Kageyama was shocked to see a scowl on Hinata’s face. He wasn’t happy with something. “Again. Set for me again.”

This routine continued. Hinata was hitting every ball, he wasn’t even off a beat, but it never satisfied him. Set. Run. Toss. Hit. Again. Over and over, Kageyama landed the ball into Hinata’s palm. 

_Why are you going easy on me?_

_What? You dumbass, I’m not._

Both boys had agreed to take a break. His muscles were beginning to tire, and he wasn’t sure if he could keep going for much longer.

_Yes you are. I didn’t realize it at first, but you’re setting it into my palm again. Just like you did when I spiked with my eyes closed. Each time I hit it, it was because you tried to make it easier for me. Give me a real toss._

It always frustrated Kageyama when Hinata got like this. He never gave fake tosses. He never took the easy route. He was just doing what he thought would be the best for his partner. Hinata was already in bad shape, and he didn’t want him to be discouraged on top of that.

_Fine._

He wasn’t sure if there was a way to do this without getting Hinata hurt. Physically, he may end up injured. Coach Ukai still wouldn’t let him into a match for a few weeks even if he did feel better, thus messing with his emotional state. And being stuck on the sidelines, knowing he could hit but was being forced out by an injury, without even having the sounds of the court to keep his spirits high, would destroy his mental state. There was no choice. If he refused, it would be just as bad. Kageyama took one last look at the boy. His eyes had always scared him. There was so much emotion to be found in them. He had heard from opposing teams that any glance during his famous spikes was a haunting sight. Honestly, Kageyama could understand why. Those eyes could stare into your soul and read you like a book. It was almost cruel to see that much power from such a bubbly person. A heavy breath escaped his lips, and he turned to the net. Hinata was stepping forward, his foot making contact with the wooden floor. The attack had begun. In a blinding blur, Hinata leaped far above his head, soaring with the strength of a bird in flight. The ball landed in Kageyama’s palm and he pushed it towards his partner with all he had. He watched as it crept closer and closer before finally making contact with Hinata’s palm. There was a sudden thunk on the other side of the net, and they watched as it bounced out of bounds. Hinata had collapsed after the jump, his legs burning from the use of energy. He had done it.

Kageyama looked at him with a grin. He did it. He rushed towards the boy and crouched next to him. They gave their traditional double high-five, Hinata’s face exploding in glee. It was so simple, something they had done so often before that it was natural, but that spike meant so much more to the both of them than any before. Hinata wasn’t going to give up, and Kageyama wouldn’t let him.

Overcome with energy and happiness, Hinata swiftly pushed his way into the setter’s embrace. His arms wrapped around his neck and shoulders, and he pressed his chest into the other’s. He knew he should have given a warning, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. Kageyama was already returning the favor by lifting him up off the ground, spinning the smaller boy around. He was completely helpless and enamored by the sound of his partner’s laughter. Hinata held on tighter, Kageyama pushed him closer. Even as he lost his balance and fell backwards, they never let go. Hinata was laying on top of him, his smile somehow even wider. _He’s never looked like this before. He’s never looked so beautiful._


	6. Realization

_You drink coffee? I thought you’d order milk or something._

_I have a taste for other things besides that you know. I like hot chocolate too, and tea._

_Somehow this feels like character development._

Hinata was laughing besides Kageyama, rolling his eyes at his friend. Of course he had such a simple taste for things. It suited him. These days, the two of them had been spending more and more time together. Hinata still wasn’t feeling ready for school, and it seemed that every moment (that wasn’t filled with his doctor appointments or Kageyama’s practice schedule) was dedicated to hanging out. Today, Kageyama had suggested they visit a small café downtown. It was a quiet place, filled with plants and a lingering smell of mint. There were two stories, and the setter had chosen to sit on the secluded balcony away from the strangers inside. The sunlight filtered down and warmed his skin. This was definitely a popular date spot. 

_At least I didn’t get a drink like you did. Nothing naturally made should be that pink._

_It’s strawberry!_

_Hinata, it’s pure sugar. You’re going to have a heart attack if you keep drinking that._

It was nice being like this. Kageyama made him forget about his worries and loneliness, and even if it only lasted for a few hours, it was enough to keep him going through each day. They had been growing closer every time they met, and ever since the dancing and volleyball hug, it felt as if the wall between them was being taken down. It was easier to laugh and smile around Kageyama compared to anyone else. He felt so happy. Slowly, he was getting used to the silence. He could sleep decently in the dark now, and he even felt comfortable by himself. It felt like it was all thanks to the setter’s support. Through every breakdown and fit of tears, he was there. He never failed to offer a hand to pull Hinata back to his feet. He always was close by and there when he was needed. It seemed as if the universe had listened. No matter how long it lasted, he had Kageyama for now. 

_I’ve been meaning to ask you something._

The notebook was almost full. It didn’t take much time to fill every square inch of the pages, and they were nearing the end. Kageyama had already mentioned that he was planning to buy a new one soon. Hinata was sure that they would go through an entire library worth of notebooks at this rate. 

_Should I be nervous?_

_I don’t think so, it’s just a thought I’ve been wondering about._

_Well, go on. I’m curious now._

Hinata smiled softly. It was definitely an out of place question, and he knew it would shock Kageyama, but he couldn’t help himself. He was blinded by this happiness.

_What kind of person do you like?_

_There was a confused look on his partner’s face._

_That is definitely random. As in a crush or something?_

Hinata nodded. He desperately wanted to know the answer. It felt like a matter of life or death at this point. His heart had been aching for so long around Kageyama, and now that they were becoming close, he was beginning to feel himself bloom again. He was no longer afraid of the anger or heat that the setter might release on him. In fact, he doubted that it would ever happen again. He had begun to let himself hope for the impossible. Hinata still wasn’t quite sure what he was feeling towards the boy, but he wasn’t scared to find out anymore. Sometimes, he caught himself dreaming of the other’s touch, the soft touch of calloused hands on his cheek. Maybe it was too wishful, yet right now, as they were, there was no reason to stop his wanting. 

_I don’t really know how to answer that. I haven’t had many crushes before, so I guess I can’t be certain of any specific thing. Volleyball takes up most of my time._

_Have you even looked at another person ever since you started playing?_

_Of course I have, dumbass, why wouldn’t I?_

_You’re so obsessed I figured you’d just marry your jersey or something._

He sighed and watched over Kageyama’s shoulder as he wrote his next response. His eyes trailed over his partner’s hand and up to his neck, studying the toned muscles and smooth skin. His face looked like it had been chiseled from stone, painstakingly perfect in every way. Subconsciously, he looped his arm through the other’s and rested his head against him. He was so sturdy compared to Hinata. He was strong and well-built. His size alone was enough to intimidate many on first glance. _But he really is just a softie, huh? Even when I do this, he doesn’t push me away, even though he should. Why do you let me do this to you, Kageyama? How much could I get away with?_ It felt shameful to think thoughts like that, but Hinata wanted to know. How far could he go before he was pushed away? What if he moved closer? Placed his lips to the boy’s neck? Maybe even if he moved himself into Kagyama’s lap? _What face would you make for me? Would you look at me differently?_

_I’m not completely against the notion of love, you know. I guess I’d like someone who can cook. It’d be nice to always have food to come home to. I’d probably spoil them rotten if they would make me meals._

Hinata wasn’t sure how to feel about Kageyama’s response. He knew he shouldn’t have expected much from asking, but it still hurt when it wasn’t the answer he hoped for. Hinata wasn’t even sure why he asked. He just was curious, that’s all it was. But… even though it was always a bit of a mess, he could cook food. He wouldn’t mind making dinner for the setter if he let him. What was happening to him? It was as if he wanted to be Kageyama’s ideal partner. It was as if he wanted more. _Oh god, he really did want that._

It struck him like a bolt of lighting. He wanted to be with Kageyama? Tobio Kageyama? His setter? All this time, it wasn’t just happiness he was feeling. It was more. He had fallen for the taller boy, and he’d fallen hard. This emotion had been present ever since the first time he hit one of Kageyama’s tosses. He had liked him since then, and for months, the heartache was all caused by being helplessly attracted to him. _So this is what it’s like._ He felt like an idiot for taking this long to realize. Suga would certainly give him an earful once he told him. The third-year must have known ever since the fight, and now, what he said made so much more sense. Hinata liked Kageyama more than friends. More than teammates. More than partners.

Quickly, he withdrew his touch from the other boy. His face was burning, and he was certain that a blush was showing on his cheeks. What was he supposed to do now? He couldn’t touch him, the mere thought made him worry about exploding. Kageyama was looking at him. Those eyes, those deep, captivating eyes were watching his movements. _Can he tell? Am I being too obvious?_

_Are you alright?_

The setter was reaching out to him. He was so close now. Kageyama had leaned in, centimeters from Hinata’s face, and placed the back of his palm against his forehead. He felt his own gaze trace over his partner’s features, lingering over his lips before shyly meeting Kageyama’s stare again. Surely he must have figured it out. He must have realized that Hinata wasn’t seeing him as just a friend anymore. Suddenly, the boy was pulling away and reaching for the notebook. His breathing was heavy, his heartbeat felt dangerously fast.

_I was worried you had a fever or something, your face got flushed so suddenly._

Hinata shook his head and looked at Kageyama with large eyes. Tentatively, he took the setter’s hand in his and pulled it against his chest. He wanted him to feel it. He wanted Kageyama to know what he was doing to him. His heart was racing for the person beside him, it was aching terribly. All he wanted was for Kageyama to fix it. He felt like he’d go crazy if he had to keep this secret inside of him. Now that he knew, now that he understood these feelings, he wanted the whole world to know. 

Kageyama didn’t ask any questions, nor did he try to pull away from Hinata. He was so hard to read. No emotions on his face gave away what he was thinking. _I just want to know, ‘yama. Do you like me too? Or have I been pining like this for so long that I’m just turning nothing into something?_

They didn’t move. Whether they couldn’t or chose not to, it didn’t matter. Together, they stayed on the balcony, hands gingerly pressed together against the spiker’s heart. Even when conversation began again, they kept their fingers interlocked. Neither made the attempt to let go of the other. It felt perfect. Hinata had finally figured out his missing piece, and all along, it had been Kageyama. His only hope now was that the setter may feel the same. Even if it was the smallest bit of love, he’d treasure it. He never wanted to leave his side again. He had found himself in Kageyama, and he wanted to stay. 

_Would you like it if they made you sunny-side eggs? I’m pretty good at making those._

_I think I’d fall for them all over again if they did._


	7. Fighting

Kageyama knew he was out too late. Their meeting at the café was only supposed to be for lunch, but somehow they had ended up on park swings well past sunset. The moon was casting a soft glow against the boys. The cold air stung their skin, bringing a blush to their cheeks as they swayed back and forth. Either way, no one had contacted him to ask where he was, and he wasn’t planning on leaving until he had to. 

Hinata’s hair stood out against the grey surroundings. His eyes were shining in the star light, and there was a soft smile on his face as he swung his legs off the ground. They had been sitting like this for hours, passing the notebook between each other. The spiker had been doodling something absentmindedly and Kageyama couldn’t help but stare. How could someone look so radiant in the dark?

Something had changed about him. He felt different around Hinata now. He always wanted to be near him, always needed to hear his laugh and talk together for hours. He was wrapped around Hinata’s finger completely. Kageyama would do anything that he asked him for, no matter what the cost. All he wanted was to protect his partner. He wanted to keep him smiling, keep him safe. What was this feeling called? It felt more than just what he had with Tsukishima or Yamaguchi. This was somehow much more complex. It was overwhelming and fierce. A giant tidal wave of emotions was always rushing through his body, pushing him closer and closer to Hinata. If they weren’t together, if they weren’t talking, he didn’t know what to do with himself. He was ready to give everything he could to Hinata. If he wanted it, Kageyama would even give him the sun itself.

The book was being placed in his hands. The spiker’s familiar handwriting was scribbled onto an open page. 

_Lost in thought? You seem to be focusing pretty hard on something._

If only he knew. His heart was beating too fast, it was pounding in his ears, the cadence echoing through his head. _Would it be okay to respond with the truth? Would Hinata understand? How can I reach him with these feelings? If I don’t figure out what they mean, if I hold them in any longer, I might break._ Surely, if he was honest, maybe it would be easier to express. But the thought terrified him. Something in the back of his mind was scared of even putting his emotions into words. It nagged him, tugging at his mind in an attempt to get him to stop. What would happen if he just blurted out what he wanted to? What did he even want to say? What was he feeling? He clutched the pen in his hand tightly.

_I’m thinking about how much has changed. I don’t think either of us expected that we’d grow so close._

Was that too much? Did he say something that crossed a line? Did he go too far?

_It’s funny, but I was wondering about that as well. If the accident never happened, there’s a chance we wouldn’t be here now. Hinata paused in thought. I’ve actually been meaning to ask you for a while, but why did you leave the camp? Why did you want to stay with me in the hospital?_

He didn’t know how to respond to that. Kageyama wasn’t even sure of the answer himself.

_I guess it was because I saw how panicked everyone was. I figured it was worse than they were letting on and I didn’t want you to be alone in a strange place. Once we figured out about your hearing, I just kind of assumed that you’d want company other than the adults._

_Ah, yeah that makes sense._

Hinata was staring down at his shoes. He looked disappointed at the response. _Why? It was the truth, wasn’t it?_ He watched as his partner tugged at a lock of hair, pulling it down in front of his eyes. There was a faint sigh from the spiker, almost unnoticeable, but Kageyama was sure that he heard it. 

_No matter what happened, I’m glad that we came out of it together. I wouldn’t go back and change a thing._

_If only I could still hear. That’s the only thing I wish was different._

_But would things even be the same if you didn’t lose your hearing? Honestly, I’m not sure if we’d be like we are now._

Beside him, Hinata’s brows were furrowed. His shoulders were tensing slightly as he stared at Kageyama’s writing. 

_That’s not necessarily true._

_Hinata, we wouldn’t have gotten so close if it wasn’t for the accident. We probably would be at each other’s throats every day._

_Don’t you think we would have ever changed? I think even if it took some time, we’d get to this point eventually._

Hinata looked like he had been shattered. The day had been going well, in fact, it was one of the best he’s had in a long time. His partner had been feeling the same way, so why did he look so defeated? A pale gleam had overtaken his face, his eyes hidden in the shadow of his hair. Kageyama couldn’t understand. He didn’t mean anything bad by his words, he was just trying to be honest. It made sense that they wouldn’t have gotten close without the accident, right?

Hinata continued writing.

_Kageyama, you’re not being fair._

_How? Isn’t it the truth? There would have been no reason for us to change if the wreck never happened. We would have just been the same._

_That’s not true! Things could have changed, we could have worked our problems out eventually! You shouldn’t just claim things like that when we’ve already become good friends._

_Hinata, I’m just saying what I think. I don’t think I would have ever been a friend to you if you didn’t get hurt._

That was the breaking point. Kageyama wasn’t relaxed anymore. He was gritting his teeth, his jaw was clenched. He wasn’t trying to be insensitive. This wasn’t meant to hurt Hianta’s feelings, nor was he trying to use it against him. But even so, the spiker was frozen now. He looked to be on the verge of tears, his breathing heavy. The pen scratched at the surface of the page, ink tearing a large hole as he tried to write back. 

_How could you say that? You wouldn’t be my friend unless I lost something so special? Did you use my pain as a way to get closer to me? Did you think that because I was vulnerable, it would be easier to get into my head and toy with me? Why are you always so cruel? Why do you think it’s okay to play with me like this? I’m not just a kid that needs to be taken under your wing. I would have been fine on my own. I don’t need you to spare me when it’s only out of your misguided pity._

He couldn’t respond to that. How was he supposed to even answer a message like that? He never wanted to mess with Hinata, he wasn’t using this as a way to hurt him. Kageyama cared for him with all his heart, why was he turning his words against him this way? 

_You don’t understand. I’m not saying that I only became your friend because of the accident, I just meant that it made it easier to start over._

_Start over? You thought that it would be that easy to erase the months of yelling and fighting between us?_

_Well when I came to comfort you, you certainly didn’t try to stop me. You looked like you wanted the new chance as much as I did, don’t try to put this all on me._

_I was hurt! I can’t hear a single fucking thing, Kageyama! I lost that part of me! You were the only one by my side, and yes, even though you had been ripping me apart for months, of course I would cling to the only person I had!_

_Hinata, I never had the intention of using your pain to my advantage. I just meant that I was glad that the accident happened and I’m glad you lost your hearing because it gave us the opportunity to become as close as we are now._

He knew as soon as he passed the notebook to the spiker that he had made a mistake. He had been trying so hard to explain himself that he had done the worst possible thing. What was he thinking? How could he be such an idiot? Hinata had been adamant on painting Kageyama as a bad guy, and he was right. Kageyama was a monster. He ruined whatever they had. He had torn his only hope to shreds. His light, his reason for getting out of bed, was gone and it was all because of him. 

It felt like it was happening in slow-motion. He watched Hinata’s eyes as he skimmed over the paper. The spiker was reading it over and over as if he couldn’t believe what he was seeing. His expression changed from shock, to pain, to sorrow, and to anger in milliseconds. He stood up from the swing and threw the notebook on the ground. A guttural cry escaped his throat. The voice that was now hoarse from not being used was shouting something at his partner. Kageyama could hear it crack as he struggled to hold back sobs. The moon seemed to fade behind the clouds, settling a dark haze onto the scene unfolding below. He couldn’t stop staring at Hinata. The words being yelled weren’t registering in his head, he could only see the movement of his lips. _Is this how Hinata feels everyday?_

He couldn’t move, he couldn’t fight back. He knew he was at fault, how was he supposed to deny what he did? The last few words spoken stabbed his heart. Hinata had stopped yelling. His voice was weak, and the more he used it to scream, the worse it was on his throat. He had been gradually coming down to a whisper, fighting back his urge to shout at the setter. He wasn’t even sure what he had been saying. Words were coming out of his mouth, and he could see every flinch of Kageyama’s features when he finished a phrase, but he still couldn’t hear himself. It hurt. This felt like the end. The end of their friendship. The end of his feelings. The end of him entirely. This was the farthest apart they’ve been in a while. He no longer could stand pressed against Kageyama’s side, clutching to his arm. It felt disgusting to fall for someone’s tricks. 

Hinata couldn’t stop himself even when he knew what he was about to say. He wished he could have held back, even through all this anger, he never wanted to be as hurtful as that. But he muttered the words anyway. He spoke them into existence and he could not take them back.

“I hate you.”   
______________________________________________________________________________  
He was lost. The streets around him didn’t look familiar at all, and there were no buildings that he recognized. After he finished his outburst of anger, Hinata had grabbed his bike and left. He rode without a plan, without any idea of where he was going. He just needed to leave. He needed to go somewhere far away. Before he knew it, and not to his surprise, he found himself alone in a new place. His phone was close to dead, and he likely only had enough battery for a quick phone call. He could send a text, but a call was more likely to be answered right away. He needed someone to answer. He needed help. His mother was working, and she wouldn’t have her phone on her. It was up to him to find someone. 

It took him minutes to think of anyone he could call for. His mind raked through a list of friends and schoolmates that may come to his rescue, but he knew his best choice was with Suga. Suga was always there when Hinata needed him. Surely he would be there for him now. 

He watched the call dial on the screen. Without being able to hear, he could only plea that his friend would answer. Even if he didn’t, hopefully he could record a voicemail properly. His eyes tracked the pixels on display. If the call connected, there would be a time stamp on the screen. If the dial went on for longer than thirty seconds, he guessed, it probably was going straight to a recording. That was his only way to know. Tears burned his eyes. He felt so weak and helpless. All he could do was stand pitifully in the dark and pray for an answer. 

Suga picked up after ten seconds. Hinata had been desperately counting to himself when he saw it connect. _He answered. He answered and I’m going to be okay. It’s going to be alright._

“Suga? It’s Hinata. I need your help, please. I got into a fight with Kageyama and I ran off.” He could feel his voice quivering. It hurt to talk now, it hurt to breathe. He hoped he was making sense. “I got lost, there’s a street marker near me that says Higashi 1-8-1, it’s the closest block to me. I’m sorry to ask this but please, I need help. I can’t hear anything and it’s so dark, Suga. I can’t think straight. Please help me, someone.” 

His voice was cut off with a sob. When he looked down at his phone, there was nothing but a black screen. The battery had died. He was alone. There wasn’t a way to tell if he got his message through. The night was closing in on him, stealing the air from his lungs and crushing him under waves of panic. He was completely and utterly alone. What if no one came? What if he had to wait like this until morning? Tears ran down his face. First, the fight with his dearest companion, and now, he was trapped. _I was getting better. I was getting able to handle the silence._ The screaming had returned. His mind was loud again, splitting his head open with its anxiety. He had never felt so terrified before. He clutched his face in his hands and dug his nails into his skin in an attempt to distract himself. It only made it louder. The world was a twisted, violent place and his mind was stuck in the middle of its suffering.

Sobbing, he fell to the ground and pushed his back against a nearby wall. Hinata curled into himself, begging for something to save him. The shadows from street lights danced around him, taunting him with every flicker. He had lost track of time. The moon was high above him in the sky, well past its peak. The seconds ticked by and turned into minutes. The longer he waited, the more endless it seemed. The dark would never end, he was trapped in its grasp forever. There would never be another sunrise. There would be no more days to look forward to. There was only him and the silence of the world.

A pair of feet appeared in his line of vision. The stench of booze hit his nose and stung his eyes. Hinata looked up to stare at a man he had never seen before. There was a cigarette hanging from his mouth, and his clothes were covered in a wet substance that he pleaded was not anything but water. A bottle of alcohol swayed in his grasp. Hinata tried to back up, tried to get away, but he was stuck against the wall.

“Oh? You’re a pretty one aren’t you?”

The man was saying something, he was sure of it, but he could say nothing in response. He sat helplessly against the rough surface behind him, scanning for an escape route. The stranger’s arms were already reaching out to the wall as if to pin him in. Hinata’s breath was trembling. His mind was clouded and overwhelmed. His voice was gone, though he wasn’t sure if it was because he used it too much or because he was terrified. Frozen, he watched as a grimy hand reached for him. Fingers tangled in his mess of hair, first gently with a hesitant touch, and then with a rough grasp, he felt his head explode in pain as he was pulled to the man. Out of the corner of his eye, he watched as the bottle was raised in the air. He was going to be struck with it. This man was planning to use it against him. A strangled cry forced its way out of his throat and he squeezed his eyes shut. _It really must be the end._


	8. Suffering

Suga was engrossed in his schoolwork. Daichi was seated next to him on the bed, flipping through the pages of a volleyball sports magazine. They were spending the night together to study for an upcoming exam, but as they expected, the only work being done was by Suga. Daichi was never the scholarly type. He got good grades and aimed high, but he never could bring himself to care as much as others did. 

Occasionally, the setter would lean back to stare at Daichi. The two of them had been close throughout high school, and he’d always known that they’d be together for most of their lives. It was nice to have someone like him as support. He was always pushing him to do more, to try his best to lead the team. Daichi depended on Suga as much Suga looked towards him for help. The captain reached out and brushed through the locks of silver hair, ruffling them affectionately. 

“Shouldn’t you be working?” 

“I can’t help that you’re so distracting. It’s your fault.” 

Daichi chuckled at that and pushed Suga gently back to the stack of workbooks on the table. They could spend time together after he finished. He snuck glances at his partner, running his eyes over the nape of his neck and the soft curve of his face. This boy had him stuck in a trance. He felt as if he couldn’t ever look away. 

The silence was broken by ringing. Suga picked up his phone and looked at it, confused. Daichi leaned over his shoulder. 

“It’s Hinata. Why would he be calling so late?” He answered the phone and held it to his ear, “why is he calling anyways? He can’t hear me, right?” 

A muffled voice came from the speaker. Panic showed in Suga’s eyes, and he looked up to Daichi in fear. “There was a fight with Kageyama. I think he’s in trouble.” 

He had mentioned something about the Higashi district. It wasn’t too far from his house, close enough that they could take their bikes. If something happened to Hinata, he wouldn’t forgive himself. He was so vulnerable right now. The thought of him getting hurt was too much to handle. Without his presence, the club was quieter. It felt empty. Hinata had become family to the members. Even considering that he might never come back tore him and Suga apart. 

They rushed outside as fast as they could. The chill in the air stung his skin. It burned as they rode through the streets, using the street lights as their guides. He was looking for the familiar orange hair, the slender frame that he had watched soar so many times. Daichi’s chest felt tight, there was a pressure crushing his lungs that caused his nerves to flare in pain. He needed to find him. Kageyama probably had no idea the effect he had on Hinata. He likely didn’t even know that he held the spiker’s heart in his hand. _That idiot. What did he do?_

“Daichi! There!” Suga was pointing past a corner at two figures. One was curled against the wall, their hands trying to cover their face. The taller, older man was crouched over him with a bottle raised in the air. A cry punctured his heart, and without thinking, he moved towards the shadowy figures. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw the bright gleam of Hinata’s hair. Daichi raised his fist and swung it as hard as he could. He felt the jawline of the man against his knuckles, the crack of something breaking. The stranger was on the ground, screaming bloody murder, but Daichi couldn’t care less. He reached for Hinata and lifted him into his arms. Suga was by his side now, running his hands over the boy to check for injuries. He could feel the trembling against his chest, his shirt growing wet with tears. He was safe. Physically, at least. Hinata was far from okay, as was evident from the gravelly sobs he was making. It hurt to listen to. Daichi hadn’t realized how much he missed the yelling and laughter of their underclassman. He met Suga’s eyes and pulled him close into a hug. He needed the comfort, even if it was selfish. They all needed it. What had just happened would be burned into their memories for the rest of their lives. They walked home in the night, Suga pushing the bikes, Daichi carrying a tired Hinata in his arms. He wasn’t sure if he was awake or not, but he prayed he wasn’t. He couldn’t imagine the thoughts that must be going through the boy’s head. It was too quiet for him to handle, and he could still hear the world around him. _You’re safe now, Hinata. We’ve got you._  
______________________________________________________________________________

The three of them stayed together at Daichi’s house that night. Suga had gotten in touch with Hinata’s mother as the captain began cooking them something to eat. His parents weren’t home that weekend, so it was up to them to take care of their friend. He hadn’t said a word to them since they found him. Hinata’s eyes were blank as he stared at the wall, curled into himself on the bed. He wouldn’t eat, wouldn’t even meet their eyes. He was empty.

Suga had tried reaching out to Kageyama too. He figured it would give them more insight into what happened, but there was no answer. The spiker seemed to have fallen off the edge of the world. No one could reach him. In all ways possible, this was a mess. He sat next to Hinata on the bed, comfortingly brushing his hair. He had taken the boy under his wing the first week they met. Something about his bright personality and never-ending energy reminded him of a toddler. He couldn’t help but want to take care of him like one. Suga had helped him through every argument with Kageyama, every moment of heartbreak, every problem he seemed to face. Seeing him so defeated, reduced to nothing but a hollow shell, was difficult to watch. He felt helpless. What was he supposed to do? How could he possibly help him? 

Daichi entered the room with bowls of what appeared to be stew. There was no point trying to get Hinata to move to the kitchen table to eat. He wouldn’t move no matter what they tried. Suga got him to sit up slowly. He propped the boy against the wall and held a bowl out to him. Even if he didn’t eat, it was enough for him to take it. His partner was putting on a recorded match from a recent national tournament in hope that it would provide some distraction. They sat together in silence, eyes fixed to the screen. Hinata was watching intently, fiddling with his spoon in the bowl. Suga’s legs dangled off the edge of the bed, Daichi resting between them, keeping an eye on his younger friend. It wasn’t much, but he was still paying attention to the game. His gaze tracked the players and their movements. He was beginning to perk up, though it was only slightly. They both knew he wouldn’t be whole for a long time. As much as he focused on the game, his spirit was still gone. Hinata was still broken.   
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Kageyama hadn’t left his room in two days. The argument with Hinata had sent him into a downward spiral unlike any he had experienced before. His heart wouldn’t stop aching, his lungs couldn’t breathe properly. He had isolated himself in the dark, locked away from the world outside. Inside, he felt safe. He could be alone, he could wallow in self-hatred. This was his best option for punishing himself. He wouldn’t forgive himself for what he did. He simply couldn’t. The things he said could not be taken back. There was no way to repair what happened. 

The image of Hinata was burned into his mind. The pain, the heartbreak, the hatred in his eyes. Anything they had was gone. He had cast his only real friend away. _No, he wasn’t just my friend._ He had finally come to terms with his feelings. And it only took fucking up his only chance to get him to realize what he wanted. He wanted Hinata. For so long, that was all he needed in life. Every ounce of anger in their fights was because of the repressed emotions inside of him. The more he couldn’t be with him, the more upset he became. The more he took it out on his partner. Of course he knew it wasn’t right. He couldn’t justify what he did to the spiker. But he really did care for him. The jealousy over the love confession, the fear of being cast aside, the constant ache of not being more with each other, all of it was because of love. He understood it all now. But it was too late for change. He had tried to start over, he had tried to show Hinata he was worth a chance to be together, but in the end, he proved he was nothing more than a failure. A monster. He’d always been called one. His teammates in middle school, his opponents, those he looked up to the most had all said the same thing. He was a monster. What made him think that he could ever be anything different? 

A monster is a monster. They did nothing but destroy and create ruin. It was all he seemed to do. All he ever did was tear apart everything he loved. And god, he really loved Hinata. He loved him more than anything else in the world. That angelic smile, the way his hair shined like the sun, that loud, unforgettable laughter. He loved it all. But a human could never love a monster, no matter how badly they tried to. A monster could never hold onto something so precious. But he really did try to. Kageyama gave everything he could to keep Hinata by his side. He had tried so hard. Tears slid down his face, creating track against his pale skin. He never hated himself more. He prayed for it to end, prayed that he would fall asleep and never have to open his eyes again. The relief never came. His punishment for his actions was to continue existing. The pain of living was the burden he would carry. With Hinata, he was able to bear it. But now that he was alone, he was about to collapse under the weight.

_Is he thinking about me? Is he finding more ways to hate me? Is there even a tiny part of him left that still might care for me? Has he truly decided to leave me? Am I alone?_

As much as he tried, the thoughts wouldn’t go away. Minutes turned into hours. Hours turned into days. Kageyama had barely left him room for anything. He hadn’t eaten, he’d barely slept. All he had the energy to do was lay down on his bed. He really wasn’t sure how much time had passed. 

Somewhere during the third day, there was a knock at his door. He had gotten so used to the silence of the house that he fell off the bed when he heard the noise. Kageyama tried not to keep his hopes up. He tried to tell himself over and over that it wasn’t going to be Hinata outside waiting for him. But even so, opening the front door to find Tsukishima standing there didn’t hurt any less. His heart longed to see the spiker. It was aching more than he thought possible. Seeing an unwanted teammate wasn’t going to help him. 

“Tsukishima? Why are you here?”

The blocker eyed him up and down. His face was cold, not a tiny bit of emotion showing through. “You look absolutely horrid, king. I figured it would be bad but I never expected that you would let a peasant like Hinata ruin you this much.” He knew he looked awful. He probably smelled as bad as he looked too. 

He glared at the taller boy. “That doesn’t answer my question. What are you doing here?”

“Trust me, if I could have avoided it, then I wouldn’t be here. Unfortunately, I was sent by order of the upperclassmen. Consider this a welfare check.”

“Just say you saw me, tell them I’m alive. Then leave.” 

“You’re far from alive. When did you last take the time to even eat, Kageyama? How long has it been since you slept?” 

He clenched his jaw and looked down. He wished Tsukishima would leave. What did it matter if he looked a little rough? It was obviously expected, so there shouldn’t be so much concern from the others. 

The blocker continued. “Don’t ask questions, okay? I owed Suga a favor, and he sent me here. I have food for you, just let me in. I won’t stay long.” There was a calm tone to his words, and even though it wasn’t welcoming, it was certainly more gentle than Tsukishima’s normal coldness. Reluctantly, he moved to the side and allowed the other to enter his home. His family was still away, they had been for almost two weeks now. 

“I take it you heard what happened? I assume everyone knows what I did now?”

“No, not everyone. To my knowledge, it’s only Suga and Daichi, then me obviously. The real question is if you know what happened.” 

He was sitting at the table now, head resting on his arms. Tsukishima was plating some food for them, casually setting the table. In a way, it felt similar to how an older sibling would babysit their brother or sister. He certainly wasn’t thrilled to be taking care of the setter, but he would do it anyways. “What do you mean by what happened? Of course I know, I started the fight.” 

Tsuki clicked his tongue and scowled. “The world doesn’t revolve around your life, oh great king.” A bowl of rice was placed in front of him. “I get why you’ve self-destructed, but missing school and practice won’t benefit you. Hell, it won’t help anyone. Not even Hinata.” The blonde giant took a seat in front of him, picking at the food and glancing towards Kageyama. “That’s one of the reasons I came instead of Suga or someone. He and Daichi are currently taking care of that tiny freak.”

“Taking care of him? Why isn’t he home?”

“God, just eat your food and be quiet.” The frown on Tsukishima’s face was more prevalent than ever. “After your fight with Hinata, the upperclassmen filled me in on the basics but I don’t know how much they knew, he ran off and got lost. Apparently, he called Suga and started begging for help.” Even the blocker had grown still. His eyes were focused on the table, avoiding Kageyama’s gaze as much as he could. “He and Daichi went to look for him and found some drunk guy trying to attack him in the streets.” 

Kageyama’s eyes were focused intensely on Tsukishima’s face. His fists were clenched, nails digging into his palms. “He’s alright. He didn’t get hurt. I just think that combined with the fight with you, he’s shaken up. Suga said he won’t eat, he won’t even try to communicate anymore. I guess whatever was left of him from the accident shattered.” He hated that he had to be the messenger. It wasn’t fair. This wasn’t his business. He didn’t want anything to do with the star crossed lovers. He snuck a glance towards Kageyama. 

The sound of a dropped spoon echoed in the room. Tsukishima watched as it fell in slow-motion to the table, clattering against the wood. The setter was shaking violently, his hand moving up to cover his mouth. He looked like he was getting sick. Kageyama stood up as quickly as he could, supporting himself on the table before running to the bathroom. Tsuki couldn’t hold back a heavy sigh. This was torture. He rested his head on his arms. It wasn’t his job to run after him. Why would he care? It was just two idiots being stupid like usual. He wasn’t going to involve himself in something so lame. _It’s pathetic._ He got up and followed the direction Kageyama went. _It’s ridiculous._ Tsukishima knocked on the door and walked in, finding his teammate on the floor crying. _This isn't my responsibility._ He crouched down next to him. It was evident that he had thrown up, the smell reeked in the air. Tsuki placed his hand on Kageyama’s back gently. _I hate this._ “Come on, Kageyama. You can’t stay here. Let’s move to your bedroom.” He pulled the setter up as carefully as he could. He felt small. His body was light and weak, exhausted from days without nutrition or light. They walked, more like stumbled really, into Kageyama’s room. 

It didn’t take long for him to fall asleep. He had collapsed onto his bed as soon as they reached it, and the setter’s empty eyes closed immediately. The news had cut open his heart. He was already torn over the fight, but now knowing that he had caused Hinata to run away, he had put him in danger, it was too much. He had been ripped to shreds. Tears slid down his face as he slept, the nightmares reminding him of every ounce of pain he deserved to feel. Tsukishima left him alone to rest, not knowing of the suffering he was feeling, and began to pack his things. He walked out to the street and sent a final glance towards the house. There wasn’t much of a chance that they could fix things. Yet if both boys wanted to stay on the team, something would have to be done. It wasn’t much. It was barely anything. Although it might be enough to get them to at least talk about what happened. He wouldn’t admit to it himself, but deep down, he was hoping that things would work out. He wanted things to go back to normal.


	9. Late Night Talking

He couldn’t feel it. His hand was clutched to his chest, trying desperately to find a pulse, but there was nothing. There was no air in his lungs, nothing for him to breathe. He was drowning.

Something was inside him. It was grasping at his throat, wrapping around his bones and holding him in place. There was a scream echoing in his head. Hinata couldn’t silence it, he couldn’t get it out of his mind. The darkness around him was terrifying. He wasn’t sure if his eyes were open or not. It was suffocating him. The image of the man was in front of him. The gleam of the bottle under the streetlight, the pain of his hair being sharply pulled, the feeling of helplessness as the world was quiet. He grabbed for the pillow underneath him and hugged it close. 

When Daichi and Suga arrived, he had thought it was the end for him. If they hadn’t gotten there in time, it was possible that Hinata wouldn’t have made it out alive. He let out a quiet whimper. More than anything, he wanted Kageyama to be there. He wanted to be held, wanted to bury himself in the other’s arms until he knew he was safe. But the setter wasn’t there. The screams were back in his mind, the cold creeping over his body. What felt like tears ran down his face. It was too much. Hinata clawed at his ears, begging for any chance to hear, pleading to go back to how things were. He needed Kageyama. 

Footsteps shook the floor, the movement startling him from his trance. Someone was in the room. He held his breath and curled against himself. The man was here. His drunken stench filled the space, the staggering steps shaking the ground. Hinata wanted to scream, he wanted to run away as far as he could. The stranger was getting closer. His hand covered his mouth, trying to hold back whimpers. He braced himself for what was about to come. But rather than a bottle breaking against his head, he only felt a warm, soft touch. Hinata turned his head quickly towards the figure. Suga. His friend was there. It wasn’t the man, it was just his mind playing tricks. Gently, the hand on his shoulder moved to help him up. A faint light cast shadows over his vision, and together they walked to the kitchen. 

_Daichi woke me. You were making noises, calling out a name and whimpering and such. He was afraid you were having a nightmare._

A paper laid between the two on the table. Suga had sat him down and began to make tea for them both. 

_I’m sorry. It was just so quiet, I couldn’t tell what was real anymore._

_If anything, I should be the one apologizing, Hinata. We thought you might be okay with us in the room still. We should have been closer at least, or maybe even left a light on for you._

_I thought he was there again, Suga. I thought he had found me._

The upperclassman was quiet. A perplexed look decorated his face, his temples furrowed in thought.

_I heard you call out for Kageyama. Multiple times, actually. Didn’t you two get into a fight?_

Hinata nodded softly, his gaze looking down. 

_It was stupid. I was upset because he said some cruel things, though he didn’t mean them. Then I said hurtful things back and I ended up where I was._

_If he didn’t mean them, Hinata, he wouldn’t have said them. Don’t try to defend him when you’re rightfully upset._

There was a shake of his head. It wasn’t like that. How could he make him understand? Kageyama was such an idiot sometimes. He was clueless, hopeless, and utterly oblivious. But he didn’t mean those things. Hinata believed that with all his heart. Kageyama didn’t mean any of it. Whether he was blinded with love or not, he had just been trying to find the words in his mind. Unfortunately, he had only found the wrong ones.

_I couldn’t feel my heart last night._

_What do you mean?_

_When I was in the hospital, I couldn’t tell if I was alive or not. There were no sounds for me to be sure that I was a breathing, living thing. But when Kageyama was with me, I could feel his heartbeat. I could feel mine. He calmed me down everytime. With him, I knew I was alive. But not last night, Suga. I was alone, he wasn’t there by my side, and there was no pulse._

_Hinata, no matter what you say, that won’t justify what he did. He hurt you bad enough to make you run away. How many times has he yelled at you in practice or pushed you around like a child? I won’t forgive him for that even if you say he’s changed._

The room was cold. Suga had outstretched his free hand to Hinata, holding it comfortingly. Through everything, it was Suga by his side. It was him who was there to comfort him after each fight and argument. He was the kindest person Hinata knew. Softly, he smiled and squeezed the setter’s hand.

_It’s okay. I know that he didn’t mean it._

_How can you be so sure? He’s hurt you so many times, he’s torn you apart over and over._

_But through all of this, I still love him, Suga. I really do. Even if it doesn’t seem like it, even if it makes me seem stupid for believing him, I trust him._

Suga tensed up and ran his hand through his hair.

_How, Hinata? I don’t understand how you possibly could._

_Because no one who meant those things would hold me like he does. He wouldn’t spend hours with me in a hospital room, or let me cling to his side every second we’re together. Hell, he wouldn’t dance with me under the stars and help me fall asleep by holding my hand._

The moment had stilled. His upperclassman was quiet as he read the message. Suga had known of Hinata’s feelings for a long time now. He had taken the boy under his wing as best he could, helped him through everything. He always wanted the very best for him. He truly wanted to support him, but, after what Kageyama had caused, he wasn’t sure if he could. Suga looked at Hinata for a long time. He studied the big eyes, the slender frame of his face. _He’s been through so much. Doesn’t he deserve something good now?_ It pained him to watch his friend fall apart, he couldn’t bear to watch it happen anymore.

_Do you want to see him, Hinata?_

_I’m not sure. I don’t know what I would say, I don’t even know if I could look him in the eye. He hurt me. As much as I love him, I think it would scare me._

Kageyama’s voice was the only thing he could hear. The soft lull of its tones, the deep rumble in his chest. After the accident, all there was left was sounds his head made up. Screams. Echoes of the crash. The scraping of metal and the shattering of glass. But Kageyama was always there, even if he couldn’t truly listen. If Hinata thought long and hard, he could imagine the familiar voice again. He just longed to hear it in real life. What would he do if they met again? Would it make his heart ache? Would he be able to smile and laugh like they once did? Could he be given the chance to be normal again? 

_Suga, I just want to go back to how things were. I want to play volleyball together again, I want to eat pork buns after practice. I want to hear the cheers of the crowd during a game. I want to hit Kageyama’s tosses and be with the team._

_The only way to do that is to meet him, face to face Hinata. Can you do that?_

_What if I can’t? What if I’m too scared? What if I want to run?_

_Then you run. But things can’t go back to how you want them if you don’t try. The other day, I sent Tsukishima to be with Kageyama. He’s not doing well. He needs this as much as you do, but I’m afraid that he would want to bolt on sight of you._

Hinata met Suga’s gaze. 

_Is there anything we can do to try? I want to see him. I want to make sure he’s alright._

_Then you have to face him, Hinata._

_I will. Just let me help him._


	10. To Fix a Bond

It took an entire team meeting to come up with an idea. Even though they knew it wouldn’t fix things, they hoped that at least bringing Hinata and Kageyama into one room would help them try to move on. At this point, everyone knew what had happened. They knew of their relationship, the fight, the man, everything. It had brought a rift between them. Without their teammates, volleyball wasn’t the same. The team needed the boys. They wanted them back. 

No matter if it was right or wrong, the pair needed to be pushed forward. It had been more than a week. Kageyama rarely showed up to school, let alone practice, and Hinata had only just returned back to his own home. If the team could just get them to talk, if they could put them together, it might help them. Suga wasn’t sure if they were done completely with each other or if this was just a hurdle. Either way, he wanted them back with the others. It would do them both good. 

He and Daichi worked together to create a plan. The captain would force Kageyama to come to practice, and Suga would invite Hinata to spike tosses together. The team would be practicing in another area, so when they had the pair in the gym, they could have a talk. It wasn’t going to go smoothly, they all knew that. But it was the best chance they had. 

“Suga, are you sure this will work? One of them could just leave before we have the chance to try and fix things.”

“It has to work, Daichi. It has to.” They stood side by side in the gym. The boys would be showing up soon. He felt his classmate place a hand on his shoulder. It was a sign of comfort, a chance for them to try and catch their breaths. Suga leaned into the gentle touch and pressed his forehead to Daichi’s. “This has to work.”  
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Hinata was the first to arrive. His hair was shaggy, dark circles had caused his eyes to sink in slightly. He looked as if he hadn’t rested in years. The boy perked up faintly at the sight of his friends and the volleyball net. Even when he was exhausted, he never stopped loving the sport. 

Suga let out a bright laugh and tossed a ball to him. Daichi left to wait for Kageyama, and the two of them began hitting back and forth. It felt good to see him engaged in something again. Later, they took their break together, sitting with one of Suga’s workbooks in their laps. He kept his eyes on the boy, trying to assess every change in his mood, but made sure to glance at the door. It was a waiting game now. In any minute, the two would have to face each other. According to Tsukishima, Kageyama wasn’t in the best mindset whatsoever. Hinata looked better, yet he hadn’t been nearly the same person since the accident. 

The door swung open. He thanked the heavens that Hinata couldn’t hear and kept his eyes on the notebook. Suga watched as their setter stepped inside, sweeping his gaze over the room. He looked dead. Honestly, Suga would have bet money that he turned into a vampire, or at least a walking corpse. The expression on his face as he spotted Hinata could only be described as horror. The remaining color in his skin drained to a pale white, his eyes widened in fear. Kageyama immediately turned to bolt, coming face to face with Daichi.

Their captain was standing in front of the door. “You need to talk to him, Kageyama.”

“I can’t talk to him after what I did, you don’t understand.” There was a crack in his voice, a tremble that was hard to imagine ever coming from Kageyama. “He hates me. I put him in danger. I can’t see him.”

Suga looked at him pointedly. “Whether you think you can or not, you need to talk things out.” Hinata raised his head as he felt the third year move next to him. “Both of you want to be on this team still. Do you honestly think that could work if you can’t be within ten feet of each other?” 

“Kageyama?” The spiker had noticed him now. There was no going back. His eyes flicked between the three, trying to figure out what was happening. Nervously, he leaned back behind Suga. His fingers clenched the book, crumpling the paper in his hands. 

A heavy feeling of tension hung in the air. It was close to insufferable, each boy could feel the lack of air in their lungs. Suga turned to Hinata and placed his hand on the mess of orange hair. He wanted to let him know that it would be okay. But this wasn't his conversation to have. It was between them now. He made his way to Daichi and pulled him away. “Talk to Hinata. Try to work something out.” Together, they left the gym and walked to the club room.

Kageyama was staring intently at the floor. He felt his partner’s gaze on his neck, felt it move over his face. Blood rushed to his cheeks. His head was pounding, and there was an overwhelming sense of dizziness. 

“Kageyama.” There was that voice again. That painful, sweet sound he longed to always hear. He raised his eyes towards Hinata. The boy was holding a notebook out to him. He wasn’t running. He seemed uncomfortable, but he was still there in front of him. Reluctantly, the setter took a seat across from his partner and grabbed the book. It was already open to a page with writing scribbled across it. 

_What’s going on? What were you guys saying?_

_Apparently, it seems they wanted us to come here and meet to work things out. I understand if you want me to leave. Actually, I was just about to go home._

Hinata frowned at that. 

_That won’t get us anywhere if you do._

It was just as Suga said. They couldn’t be on the team together anymore. It would simply be too difficult. It would cause more pain than good for others, and for them. Maybe he could quit. Well, not quit volleyball altogether, but at least the team. There were other schools that would take him, other teams that he could join. It didn’t matter if he left, Karasuno had another setter to fill his place. The idea had crossed his mind before, once or twice as he tried to find a way to fix things. _It’d be better if I left. That’s the best choice I have._

_It doesn’t need to get us anywhere. I’m thinking of leaving the team. That way you can return when you’re able to, and not have to worry about what happened with us._

He refused to look at Hinata. He couldn’t find it in his heart to see the expression on his partner’s face. _Can I even call him my partner anymore?_ He bit his lip in frustration. 

_That’s ridiculous, stop saying nonsense._

_I’m not joking around. I’m serious._

“You can’t be!” Hinata shouted suddenly, getting up to his feet. Anger flashed through his face, yet… he seemed more hurt than anything else. “You’re an idiot if you think that’s a good idea, Bakeyama! Why would you think that even for a second?!”

Kageyama watched the outburst in shock. He opened his mouth to speak before realizing the situation. He returned back to the notebook, hurrying to write his response. 

_But after what I did, I have to._

“Toss to me.”

_What? This isn’t the time for that._

“Toss to me, Kageyama. Set for me.”

There was no backing down now, Hinata already had his mind set. A volleyball was already resting in his palm, held out for the boy to take. His eyes bore into Kageyama’s soul. The ball was smooth in his palm, its leather gliding easily as he spun it. It was such a familiar sensation, one that he had felt countless times, but he had never felt so much fear towards it before. Hinata was standing, waiting with his legs bent. How many times had they done this before? How many tosses had Kageyama given to him? Would this truly be the last one? He exhaled shakily and threw the ball, raising his hands into position. _I don’t want this to be over. Not yet. Even if it is what’s best, I’m not ready to lose this._ He felt it in his fingertips, felt the familiar pressure on the balls of his feet as he braced his position. His arms extended out, propelling the ball out. He wasn’t thinking about where it was going, only about the boy running for it.

He watched as Hinata took his first step. Watched the soft movement of his chest as he breathed. Watched the way his eyes tracked the toss mercilessly. He saw it all. He saw as he flew above him, hair covering his face, a flat hand hitting the ball at its peak. Kageyama could never get tired of that sight. His throat tightened as he watched Hinata land on the ground, the sound of the ball hitting the floor echoing in the distance. It was a perfect move and they both knew it. The boys faced each other silently, eyes meeting hesitantly. 

“Why would you ever want to give that up? We spent so much time working on that toss and that spike together. We did it together, Kageyama.” His voice wavered faintly. “We spent so long together and you want to throw it away like it was nothing?! I know what you were trying to say back then, I know that you never meant it in that way. And it hurt, of course it hurt, why wouldn’t it? But no matter how much I tried, I couldn’t bring myself to hate you. Even after what you said, even after what you did. I don’t hate you.”

Kageyama watched the boy in awe. He was shaking now, fighting back tears as he continued, “I don’t hate you. Don’t you understand that now? I just want to hit your tosses again. I want to go to stupid cafės and watch you drink an ungodly amount of milk and I want to play volleyball with you! But I’m so scared. I’m terrified, ‘yama. I still can’t hear my breathing, I can’t hear my voice right now. There’s no sound from anything anymore. I’m not even sure if I’m saying these words right now. I’m scared, Kageyama, I’m always afraid. Yet being with you helped me so much. Even now, when I’m trying to be mad at you, I feel calm. Because you’re here.”

He let out a weak chuckle and let himself sob in between his words. The setter still couldn’t say anything. “Please don’t leave. Please just keep tossing to me. Please stay with me, Kageyama.” 

His feet were moving before he even had the chance to think. In one sudden movement, he grabbed Hinata’s hand and pulled him into his arms. They collapsed onto the floor, holding onto each other, the spiker’s head pressed against Kageyama’s heart. It was still beating. It was still there. He was real. Tears began streaming down their faces, fingers intertwined and hands clinging to the shirts. “I don’t hate you. I’m mad, I’m really mad at you.” A cry escaped Kageyama’s lips, unheard by the smaller boy. “You have to make it up to me, okay? You owe me. You have to stay and never stop giving me tosses.” 

The setter looked down at him silently, raising his hand to the boy’s cheek. Softly, he raised his partner’s face to look up at him. “Hinata, I love you.” His chest felt open, he could finally breathe again. Kageyama would stay by his side forever if he was allowed to. This was what he was feeling this entire time. Love. Unbearable, hopeless, torturous love. Hinata had taken his heart and refused to give it back. It had belonged to the spiker all this time. He was free. 

“Bakeyama, I can’t hear you.”

“What?”

“I’m deaf, you wonderful idiot.” Kageyama froze before bursting into laughter. He really was stupid sometimes. He reached his hand towards the notebook and wrote down three words. Three very important, special words that he had been longing to say. 

_I love you._


	11. On the Court Again

Sweat dripped down his back. His skin was burning, his hair damp. There was a grin on his face, shining under the lights of the gymnasium. He could feel the stinging sensation from the ball. His hand was red, the sight reminding him of the first time he played volleyball. This feeling, this rush of energy, it hadn’t changed despite having experienced it countless times. 

Behind him, a roar of cheers erupted in the stands. His team was calling for him, the audience was shouting his name. It was all so loud. Hinata turned to face them, turned to look at his friends, his teammates, everyone. The floor thundered under his feet. He could feel the noise through the ground, the familiar rumble that sent shivers through his whole body. For the first time in what felt like ages, though it had only been a few months, he remembered what it was like to be alive. Hinata could hear his breathing, hear the rush of blood in his veins and the loud beat of his heart. _He was alive._  
______________________________________________________________________________

_The doctor was saying something to his mom. They were discussing paperwork, rifling through the stack of documents on the desk. He couldn’t really do much but sit and watch._

_They were there for another appointment, one of many that he needed since the accident. First they were physical check-ups to examine the external injuries, such as the many cuts that required stitches, but recently, they had been focused entirely on his hearing. Tests were coming back with better results. Some frequencies were returning slowly, and at times, he felt as if he could hear things, though they always sounded miles away. The doctors had told him that his ears would never be the same again. It was something that he had grown to accept, not that he had a choice of course. But there was still hope. Things could be done, and more importantly, there were options that his family could afford. Hinata watched the smile on his mother’s face as he was handed a box. Inside was his freedom. His chance to find what had been lost for so long._

_He and his mother walked outside together. They both had tears in their eyes, hopeful for the new future. Ordinarily, the doctors would have made him stay behind to calibrate the device, but Hinata had other ideas. He had someone to surprise. He wanted to make this moment special. Placing a kiss on his mother’s cheek, he thanked her and biked towards the station. Kageyama was waiting for him. His boyfriend was there._

_His heart pounded inside his chest. It felt as if it was about to burst. He couldn’t stop grinning as he neared their meeting place. Kageyama had promised him a date, told him that they could go anywhere Hinata wanted. They had planned an entire day to spend together, just them. Drinks at the coffee shop, exploring the park downtown, a movie in the evening. It had been so long since they were last alone together. Volleyball had taken up any free time with an incoming tournament coming up, and his teammates weren’t letting him slack off on his studies. In their joking words, they couldn’t afford another accident if he was running late from testing._

_Ahead, he could see the tall, lanky figure sitting on a bench, fussing over his hair. His hands were trying to flatten it, smoothing it out with a grumble as it refused to stay in place. Hinata watched as their eyes met and Kageyama’s face brightened immediately. He never got tired of the sight, the smile that only he could bring out. He leaped off his bike and rushed into the setter’s arms. He felt himself being lifted off the ground, supported by Kageyama’s strong grip. His partner mouthed something to him, slowly enough to understand, and he laughed._

_“I missed you too, ‘yama.” Hinata placed his arms around the boy’s neck and hugged him close. The smell of watermelon and strawberries were back, making him hum in content. His feet gently touched back down, Kageyama motioning for him to sit down together. He pulled out the notebook and scribbled something down._

_‘You said you had something to show me?’_

_“Close your eyes, okay? No peeking.” The setter was looking at him fondly, nodding. Gently, Hinata took out the box and opened it. Inside was a set of hearing aids, specially ordered for his condition. They weren’t going to fix things completely. They wouldn’t make things crystal clear for him. But they were a start. He carefully slipped them on behind his ears, positioning the wire like a pair of earbuds. He snuck a glance at Kageyama. His face was relaxed, his body free of its normal tense stature. He looked so calm. “Now think of something to say. It can be anything, just wait to say it until I tell you to.”_

_This was it. This was the moment he had longed after for so long. He’d finally be able to hear that voice again, finally be able to breathe without the fear of disappearing. It had been so long since he’d heard his partner’s laughter. He had dreamed about this constantly, worrying over whether or not that the sound would be different when he could listen to it again. But no matter how many fears he had, Hinata knew it would be the same. With a shaky breath, he took Kageyama’s hand in his own and squeezed it three times. It had been their signal throughout each difficult week. 1 2 3. ‘I love you.’ 1 2 3. Every time he needed to say it, yet couldn’t speak, he would tap that pattern against the setter’s hand. When Kageyama wanted to tell him but the notebook wasn’t nearby, he’d gently push his fingers three times against Hinata’s back. When words couldn’t be used, that symbol worked perfectly. He reached up and felt for the power switch on each receiver. He made sure to watch his partner in this moment, made sure to treasure every detail in his mind. “Alright. Go.”_

_He pushed the button as quickly as he could, studying how Kageyama’s expression changed as they looked at each other._

_“You suck at receiving.”_

_Hinata laughed brightly. It was there. After all this time, his voice was there. It was just as he remembered, the deep tones soothing his ears. Tears welled in his eyes, falling down his face in a sudden wave of emotion. He was truly there. Kageyama was real. Kageyama loved him. Hinata buried himself against the other’s chest, his fists clutching at the shirt. It was real._

_“And you’re the rudest person ever, I’m really not that bad.”_

_“Hinata?” The boy gently pushed him away to look at his face. Concern and confusion was evident in his eyes, but in a sudden instant, it clicked. “Can you hear me?”_

_“Yes, yes I can. I can hear everything.” His face hurt from smiling so much. There was a bird chirping in a nearby tree. The leaves rustled in the wind, a creak sounding from the branches. Kageyama’s hand lifted to rest against his cheek, and together, they wept in joy. It was a strange sight, two teenagers holding each other as they babble nonsense back and forth. Repeated ‘I love you’s’ were shared, things were said that meant nothing in comparison to the simple fact that Hinata could understand them. “The doctors gave me these hearing aids to help. I can finally hear you, ‘yama.”_

_He was pulled softly into Kageyama’s arms. His head rested against his partner’s chest, the steady beat pounding underneath him, only this time, he could hear it too. It wasn’t just a rhythm anymore, it was more than just something he could feel. This was the sound of his heartbeat._  
______________________________________________________________________________

There was no way that he’d forget this moment. The team was rushing onto the court, greeting him with high fives and hugs. He felt Nishinoya jump on his back, Tanaka grabbing his arm to swing him around. The game was over. It was his first chance to officially play since the accident, and Hinata had been lucky enough to spike the winning point. It was overwhelming in the best way possible. The team was one step closer to nationals, he had helped bring them farther. 

He could see Saeko leading the cheer team in the stands. Her arm was in a cast, and courtesy of Yachi, a crow had been painted along it, wings stretched out. Throughout her recovery, she never missed a single game. Even when she was bedridden, there was always a match playing on the tv in her room. Hinata waved his free hand to her. 

His teammates surrounded him in celebration. Their #10 was back at last. Kageyama walked to his side, pulling him into a tight hug. Suga and Daichi watched from nearby, sharing a subtle grin between each other. Tsukishima groaned in disgust and walked away. It felt complete to him. After the accident, everything he knew to be normal had been torn to pieces. Slowly, Hinata had rebuilt himself. He had rebuilt the world around him. Kageyama was the first thing to fit back into place. Even though he was different, even if he was a hopeless idiot, he had been there. Now that he could hear, his life had begun to take shape again. He and Natsu could laugh together, he could listen to Coach Ukai’s scolding during practice, he could listen to his teachers in lessons. He could hear Kageyama. 

The boys walked out of the stadium hand in hand. The two of them were past the point of caring about strange looks. While they weren’t openly affectionate, they definitely didn’t understand the concept of distance. They were always close, always at each other’s side. Kageyama snuck a glance at the small spiker. He was fiddling with the hearing aid, adjusting it back into place. 

“I’m proud of you, you know.”

“Yeah right. I saw you bite back a comment after I fumbled the block.” Hinata giggled and playfully nudged the setter. 

“Well I can still be proud even when you fail at something.” It was his turn to laugh. He couldn’t help but stare these days, running his eyes over the human-tangerine in front of him. It felt good like this. He felt calmer, sharper. Tsukishima was right in the end. Hinata depended on him, but Kageyama needed him in return. He was able to give him more. He could give him almost anything he wanted. Yet even so, Hinata only wanted him. He smiled at the thought. This king was helpless when it came to his servant.

“Wow that is the most backhanded comment ever. Am I supposed to be flattered or hurt?”

He shrugged and grinned. “Both.”

They were ready for tomorrow. They were ready for the days that Hinata would break down, ready for when Kageyama would grow frustrated at the world. He squeezed the spiker’s hand in his own. The next game would determine the rankings for nationals, Ushijima was waiting for the concrete crows.

“Promise to toss for me tomorrow?”

“Always.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading this work. It's the first one I've ever written, and seeing every comment and kudos meant the world to me. I truly hope you enjoyed it! <3

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading this work! It will be uploaded daily, and I hope you continue to read it <3


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